More of You, less of me

Currently listening: Keith Slaten - Lord I thirst for You

"The layer of human turmoil - looting and scuffles for food or services - that often comes in the wake of disaster seems noticeably absent in Japan.

“Looting simply does not take place in Japan. I’m not even sure if there’s a word for it that is as clear in its implications as when we hear ‘looting,’" said Gregory Pflugfelder, director of the Donald Keene Center of Japanese Culture at Columbia University.

Japanese have “a sense of being first and foremost responsible to the community,” he said.

The communitarian spirit at the foundation of Japanese culture seems to function even more efficiently under the stress of disaster, he said.

The natural American inclination is to operate independently.

“So you do everything you can to protect your own interests with the understanding that, in a rather free-market way, everybody else is going to do the same. And that order will come out of this sort of invisible hand.

“And Japanese don’t function that way. Order is seen as coming from the group and from the community as a sort of evening out of various individual needs.”

Will this social attitude help Japan recover from this disaster? "In a word, yes."

Ref: http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/12/orderly-disaster-reaction-in-line-with-deep-cultural-roots/

1. Laying down ourselves. Something which I believe most of us find very hard to do in the midst of today's society which emphasises on grabbing what is best for ourselves whenever we can. Yet, in an island nation riddled by disaster, there are lessons to be learnt. Where young people make way for the elderly during food distribution, where there was order and respect for the law rather than complete and utter and chaos in places like Europe (during riots) and maybe even our own country. It's a good reminder to be sensitive to the needs of others.

2. This week has been a good learning experience. Challenged myself to lay down what I perceive to be lack of confidence to coordinate lunch sharing after Sunday service, and it does encouraged me to hear testimonies from people whom I have never heard from before. Also it taught me a lesson how I should learn to listen / respond / encourage when people share their troubles / dilemmas..

3. Received my 2 months of salary, and gave tithes for the 1st time (as a working person). There is that sense of joy giving back what God has provided.

4. Movie ECG, morning prayer at UTM's lakeside on one of the days, and CG evaluation reminded me of 2 things: 1) do my best and leave the results to Him (whether good or bad), rather than being obsessive about how things should work out 2. today it is not so much about how much we do, but that our being is also more important than our doing (our actions mean nothing if it is not supported by our life testimony, and our mindset determines the things that we do). It's hard to lay down certain bad habits, but would like to believe that this quarter will be a quarter of spiritual breakthrough and great harvest.

5. Shepherding this week was short, but Ethan's sharing reminded me of 2 things; 1. to learn to be flexible, when people or things are unable to fit our expectations - not to be demanding. 2. not to take things for granted, but to really treasure the time and opportunities I have where God has put me, coz we will not be in student group forever.

6. This week has been quite draining, as I worked from 6.45am-6.45pm everyday. In fact, when parents came on Tuesday, by the time I got home from accompanying them at 10pm, really totally knocked myself out in bed until the next morning. In addition, since I did not get much sleep from preparing for a case presentation on Thursday night after LG, even the decision to go for prayer meeting on Friday after work is really tough - when your brain is shutting down, your legs are giving in on you, and the traffic jam was horrendous. But I was glad I went - it was a night of intense prayer, spent seeking God wholeheartedly, and one which (coupled with this week's experience) spoke to me that if you really know who your Maker is, what He wants to do, and live a life surrendered to His will, certain things no longer matter / bother you (eg what people say, who offended you, what you didn't receive etc) which seem so petty in comparison to His plans and purposes. Coz today it's no longer about us.

8. You just never know where unexpected blessings will come from when you choose to honour and do God's work, as I just found out when my dad called me and offered to exchange a new laptop with my Dell PC. So I now have a new laptop! I prayed for a new bicycle to be more effective in my daily life and ministry, duno where it's going to come from, but we'll see :)

Week 2 in General Surgery - Things that keep you going

Currently listening: Hillsong - Love like fire

Surgeon: So Gary, do you like surgery enough to become a surgeon?"
Me: Err.. actually not that keen on things which require quite a fair bit of hand dexterity.
Surgeon: I see, so what do you prefer? Something which requires more of foot dexterity?
Me: *swt*

2 weeks already. Finished tagging and already went through 1 episode of Operating theatre on-call. Imagine the sight of laparotomies and colostomies at 2am in the morning. 2 hours of sleep before starting next day of work, making it 36 hours straight on the job. Nevertheless, I think I can say things have been good so far.

Fell sick while working during Chinese New Year, but no choice lar, since I am saving my leave for convocation in Sunway. Being a 1st poster in the ward, among mostly more senior and experienced housemen can be intimidating, but should be fine as time passes. My philosophy has always been 'I may not be the smartest, but I try to compensate for it through hard work'. Yes, did get scolded by surgeons for things which are not really your fault, MOs who are hard on you coz I was quite blur having forgotten a lot of things since leaving med school, nurses with attitude problems, and colleagues who disappear and dump their work on you.. Also have been thrown into the deep end by being called down to review patients in the clinic, despite being only 2 weeks on the job (due to staff shortage).

However, amidst all these, able to see the positive results of going the extra mile for your patients, some of whom actually walked up all the way to your ward workstation to shake your hand in gratitude, while 1 Chinese patient gave me an angpau and orange.

There was also a difficult moment with an elderly Malay patient. She was a known case of anaemia, had cholelithiasis and was due for a cholecystectomy. Initially she was allowed to eat, then fasted, and the cycle repeated for 3 days in a row as her surgery kept getting postponed. Her young daughter, whom had taken weeks of leave from her workplace in Simpang Renggam, broke down in front of me, at the sight of her mother having to endure such a fate. Duno what to do or say, could only offer reassurance and a packet of tissue. When the surgery was over, the T-tube dislodged, and they had to go back in to adjust it and correct the peritonitis. By the time they were done, she had severe metabolic acidosis and altered mental status. Despite her daughter's frantic cries at the bedside, she could neither recognise her, nor me. Honestly, I was trying very hard not to shed a tear.. but we did all we could.

To cut the long story short, she did come out of ICU a few days later, anxious to go home after bouts of physiotherapy. Today although I was not the one to write her discharge summary (as I'm not rostered for work), she doesn't need me now - her family is currently by her side, and the last sight as I walked out of the ward was that of her daughter's face brimming with a smile. Priceless :)

Post-15th MNC

Currently listening: Desperation Band - Counting on God

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Untitled from HIM Videos on Vimeo.

Convention is over, and so we bid farewell to Penang. The land of Char Kuey Teow and Asam Laksa, where we came and left via a 12-hour bumpy bus ride, was also the site of 4 days and 3 nights of intense teaching, preaching and also praise and worship with 1500 people. How was it? Well, the theme was on unity, something which is of utmost importance but also something difficult to achieve in our midst today, especially since humans are naturally wired to usually look after our own self-interests / preferences 1st.

Personally speaking, as someone who is going through quite a rough season at the moment, I came with expectations of receiving a spoken word that would directly address my circumstances. I have been blessed with previous experiences during conventions or whenever I had opportunities to interact with certain people (both Malaysia and Australia),when I will be reminded of certain things through the person praying / prophesying for me as I reflected on it, but this time there was none.

Nevertheless, God did not disappoint, instead choosing to work through the lessons we were being taught. I was actually not expecting much for the 2nd night and 3rd morning sessions, but as Pastor Simon and Pastor Moses preached the word, it felt as if it was cutting through certain attitudes of the heart which (being an extremely task-/result-oriented person) I needed to change (eg being patient with one another, the way I see others, proper conflict resolution - rather than just scolding people who don't listen when I'm not happy or avoid confronting the problem etc). It's hard, but in a way it's a blessing in disguise.

U3 Core Team (Ethan, Belinda, Dominic and me) went for bowling and a game of pool at Pelangi.

Lifegroup this week - nothing fancy. A potluck cookout where those who could, contributed some food for dinner, but in the midst of such simplicity, was able to see how God move in the hearts of people. Dominic shared about how from everyday life experiences (eg asking for 1, but ended up scoring 2 strikes though he was not good at bowling), he got reminded the need to bring forth a simple heart before God. Maureen (1 of our African sisters) was encouraging - against all odds, her research proposal got past a strict supervisor, and in the process, she managed to bring along another friend whose troubles were resolved thanks to her help.

Ethan took Pastor Jeff's suggestion to share our greatest fears during discussion group, which helped draw us together to understand each other more. As for me? I came to another humbling realisation that if I were to continue doing God's work using my own strength, it's going to be a very frustrating path ahead..

Nostalgia

Something about my 1st year in Melbourne, which I came across while browsing through some old desktop files..

Class of 2010 - graduation dinner video

Video by Anna


A parody of 39 of us performed on that night, sung to Bruno Mars' 'Just the way you are'.

Mooncake LG

Mid-autumn festival is often celebrated among the Chinese as a time of family and friends reunion (as with Chinese New Year), where people will gather together to enjoy mooncakes and pomelo under the moon accompanied by lantern riddles, carry or light floating lanterns etc.

In short, there are 2 main school of thoughts of the story behind the festival. The 1st was the popular legend of Chang Er, how she being the wife of Houyi (an archer who shot down 9 out of 10 suns), consumed the pill of immortality given to her husband by the emperor. Some said that she did it the wrong way out of curiosity, whereas another version claimed that she took it to protect the people from her husband's tyranny, and ended up flying to the moon.

The 2nd, which was loosely based on historical events, proposed that rebels in China spread messages hidden in mooncakes for the people to overthrow the Mongol empire on a set date in conjunction with the festival, eventually establishing the Ming dynasty. Therefore, mooncake festival tends to be associated among Chinese with the issue of freedom.

Today as Christians when we talk about experiencing the true freedom in Christ, would like to give special thanks to Bel for sharing her testimony of her experience during her early years as a student, how God set her free from the bondage of her previous mindset:

"Hi, I’m Belinda and currently I’m pursuing my Masters (Biotechnology) in UTM. I give thanks to God for giving me the opportunity to share how God set me free from a stressful life studying during my undergraduate years, which eventually changed my life as well.

When I first came to UTM, I set a very clear goal to achieve a minimum cGPA of 3.5 and above in my subjects every semester, which I worked really hard for. Most of the time I will spend my time studying and making notes in my hostel room, regardless of whether it’s exam time or not. Regardless even if it’s just a minor class quiz, I will burn the midnight oil because to me, every mark scored matters. After my first semester, I was totally shocked as my result was the worst that I achieved throughout my undergraduate years, thanks to the Chemistry subject with a failure rate of 70%.

I started off my second semester working doubly hard to strive for better results. This semester was a bit different whereby sometimes during my own study time at night, a sister would come over and visit me frequently. She’s a fellow senior pursuing her Masters in research at that particular time. She introduced herself to me that she came from Hope Church. Usually she will share with me the word of God and before leaving, invite me to join their care group. I came from a Methodist background back in my hometown, and I don’t even know what in the world a care group is. I know that every Christian should go to church every week, so I joined my roommate to attend a Catholic Church every Saturday since I did not manage to find a Methodist church. To me, I have fulfilled my responsibility as a Christian by being a Sunday attendee. Hence, the invitation or sharing each time by this sister did not appeal to me at all because I did not see the reason why I need to join a care group or spend time knowing more about God. Mostly I will just ignore her presence and continue on with my studies. I couldn’t afford to waste even a small portion of my time. Time passed and as I received my 2nd semester results, I was expecting an improved result with the double effort that I’ve put in. However, things did not come out as I’ve expected. Once again, I failed to achieve the result that I wanted.

Despite the second failure, I told myself not to give up easily. I readjusted my study time and methods. Rather than study alone, I tried studying in groups. I went through all sorts of adjustments just to make sure I’m going to achieve what I intended. Slowly, I discovered that I’ve been living a stressful study life. I didn’t enjoy or find my life as a university student fulfilling. At times, I just wish I could do something else apart from staring at my books, but I couldn’t because it was like a form of bondage stuck to me. Again, I failed to attain the much coveted Dean’s list. This time I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to realize that something must be missing.

For once, I started to make a prayer to God which I never did throughout my life in UTM. I asked for His help and expressed my desire to know more about Him. I made a decision to look for a new church. In the same week after that prayer, while I was in a computer lab, I met up with my senior (one from a different course but same hometown). Unexpectedly, the 1st question of all things that came to our conversation was “Do you still attend church?” I was shocked for a moment as it is not your usual way of exchanging greetings. I replied to her that I am currently searching for a church. She invited me to join the church she attends, that is Hope church. At that moment, it finally struck me that God had being trying to bring me near to Him all this while, but I had been so ignorant and stubborn.

I started attending the Sunday Service and few months later, I joined the care group as well. This also meant that my time to study became significantly less. Nevertheless, I found much joy and inner peace within me, as some of the sisters’ testimonies during care group about how God helped them in their studies really encouraged me. Furthermore, I also received prayer support from my newfound family in Christ. I still remembered at times when I struggled to come for the care group due to busy assignments and tests, they always encouraged me, “When you choose to honor God, He will honor you back.” I choose to believe with a simple heart and never missed the care group throughout that semester. I continued studying as before, but now after I know more about God, I came to discover prayer as a powerful weapon that helped me through. Every time when I come back from the care group, I felt so close to God. My 3rd semester went past just like previous semesters, but no longer was I bound by my boring yet stressful time of study. It was a season where I was being set free in Christ! Hence, I learn to uphold my result unto God’s hand for I know He cares for me. God is good! My 3rd semester results turned out to be the best compared to the previous 2 semesters. Not only that, I managed to be included in the Dean’s list as well!

Deuteronomy 28:13 mentioned that “The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, NEVER at the bottom.“

Belinda Tiong
U3B"

Alpha course weekend away

Went down to KL to catch up with ex-CG friends from Hope KL. It so happened that SSC unit had a trip to a small village town of Broga in conjunction with their Alpha course, which I tagged along. We started off at 7am, and arrived at our destination around 9am for breakfast. It was then a time of exploring the OUTBAC compound, with fun outdoor activities such as kayaking, cycling, obstacle courses integrated along with teaching sessions on the topic of the Holy Spirit. Challenged myself to take on some of the activities, with mixed consequences..

It was a refreshing time to see new people in the Subang-Sunway group, and also an opportunity for me to refresh myself on the topic which I have not read up for a while, and might need to do some teaching on soon. I think it was great that as a group, we are able to honestly express our burdens / issues and pray for one another in the afternoon.

Night wrap-up with the campfire in the background was awesome, as each person shared what they learnt throughout the day; a new perspective on the topic being taught, a refreshing time of fellowship and team-building - helping one another overcome the obstacles. I don't really join them much nowadays, but as someone who is graduating soon, I could only remind everyone to treasure their time as a group while they are still students, to support and encourage each other, to grow in service, practise what they have learnt, and make a difference wherever they are.

And we shall cap things off with a song - with of course some accompanied background music :) Check out the rest of the photo album here.

Kite runner

Currently listening: 4Him - Be thou my vision

As we celebrated our 53rd National Day, our lifegroup came together and drove to Pasir Gudang on a hot day for an outing at Muzium Layang-layang. I believe that everybody had fun, amazing to see the excitement on everybody running off to fly their kites after the workshop and museum visit, and also to pray for our nation. We also spent some time making kites as a group, where like it or not, really need to learn to be patient and accept each other's different styles of doing things.

Winner of the kite-making activity depends on 2 criteria: creativity and flyability. Ethan's group decided to apply the basic method of designing the kite - the tried and tested diamond shape. Some of us actually went for the 'Wau Bulan' design.. Most of us, even himself wondered whether it will work out, whether his 3 diamond-shaped kites glued to each other to form a 3-storey structure will actually lift off. In the end, as he sprinted across the field with a string in hand, tugging the kite behind him against the wind, it turned out to be the one which soared the highest, and helped remind us to continue believing in things which seem impossible / yet to be seen happening.

Dominic and Jing Jing shared a relevant point - today as the times are becoming more developed and technologically advanced, the way we do things might change, so will the mindset of people, but the principles of God's word remain the same. It is a truth which has been proven to work for many generations. Therefore, as we soar higher like the kite, let us continue to remain grounded in God's word and not go astray, like the kite attached to the string of its maker.

Overall, it was an tiring but fun day. Happy 53rd birthday Malaysia :)

Photo reference: http://maplewood.blogs.nytimes.com/tag/floods-hill/

More decisions..

Currently listening: 赞美之泉 - 认定你 (Stream of Praise - I will trust in You)

Basically I have just under 2 weeks left before the end of my tenancy at my current apartment unit, and with my housemate moving out, will have to decide whether to continue my present tenancy (either I find somebody to take up the other room, or end up paying RM1500 instead of RM900 currently). In addition, with the 3 September deadline looming, have to decide whether to re-examine the option of postponing my graduation and take up a BMedSc research degree in order to remain as a student (last year, financial support was an issue, and this year, I haven't even approached anybody about available projects, what more the money required for the fees, as I will be enrolled as an Australian student).

In view of these major decisions, my shepherd challenged me to (in addition to the NECF 40-day fast and pray) fast for a full 48 hours (no food, only drink plain water) and spend some time seeking God. Initially found it to be a struggle, since I need to be involved with presentations and assessments at the hospital, and on 1 of the days I was not feeling well.

Nevertheless, it was 2 days of breakthrough. For the 1st day, as mentioned in the previous post, God reminded me from a previous sermon by brother Elijah that joy is not a feeling (like happiness), to be joyful is a decision, whether or not things are going according to our plans - as long as we give our best.

For the 2nd day, God reminded me of the theme of trusting Him. Many times we have our own ideas or plans which we intend to carry out (sometimes we say it's for God), or even things we like and hold on to, but it is human nature to do things relying on our own understanding, or to end up being self-centred. However, today we know that God sees the bigger picture, his ways and thoughts are higher than ours. For example, would Mary have ever imagined of herself being chosen to give birth to Jesus? Or Paul, who ended up travelling across Asia and Europe preaching to the Gentiles? Because God loves us, He knows what is best for us.

Since I was in charge of games, was actually wondering how to come up with one which fits the theme. It was a pleasant surprise that after much thinking, the idea came instantly during lunch prayer, and that night's lifegroup flow from the introduction, to the games, to the praise and worship all fell into place and set up nicely for the message later by God's grace.

Today I received a text message from the accommodation office saying that the landlady rejected my request for a rental reduction. No doubt that the stress of the situation is there, but at the same time there exists an inner peace, one that compels me to praise Him, despite the current situation.

Finally, as I had my dinner after 48 hours last night, what I figured was impossible at 1st (I do find it difficult to resist food :p) was achieved by God's grace.

More little life blessings

One was an encounter with 1 of my fellow juniors at the clinical school, followed by receipt of an sms of thanks. Another was someone who felt touched and approached to me in church to thank me for encouraging him during church camp 2 months ago. Both reminded me of the importance of imparting the right principles and sharing what God places in your heart.

Was concerned with my dad when I found out about his cataract. No doubt it was mild, but his vision plays a very important role, especially as a pilot. Nevertheless, thank God and I was able to see how such an incident brought us a bit closer and enabled us both to chat longer with each other on the phone, since at times it can be difficult to find stuff to talk about between both of us..

I lost my 8GB pink Kingston USB on campus, and though its not so much the price of the pendrive, but it was an unpleasant experience due to the many important stuff it contains, and the current hassle of saving documents.. Nevertheless, God knows and provides for my needs, as during last weekend's dermatology seminar quiz, I won a prize, and it was a brand new pendrive sponsored by the drug company. Although it's only 2GB in storage capacity, it's enough for my current usage.

Life..

There were once 2 brothers who lived on the 80th floor. On coming home one day, they realized to their dismay that the lifts were not working and that they had to climb up the large number of stairs. After struggling and making it to the 20th floor, panting and tired, they decided to abandon their bags and come back for them later once the lifts are working again. So they left their bags there and climbed on. When they were coming up to the 40th floor, the younger brother started to grumble and both of them began to quarrel. They continued to climb the flights of steps, quarreling all the way. By the time they reached the 60th floor, both were exhausted and have no more strength to quarrel anymore. They then realized that they had only 20 levels more to climb and decided to continue climbing in peace. They silently climbed on and reached their home at last. Each stood calmly before the door and waited for the other to open the door, only to realize that the key was in their bags, left on the 20th floor ..

---------------------------

Many of us live for the expectations of our parents, teachers and friends when we were young. We seldom get to do the things that we really like or love. It is under so much pressure and stress. After the age of 20, as we 1st enter university/college, it felt as if most of us have dumped the weight of expectations off our back, and we work enthusiastically to achieve our personal goals and dreams.

But by the time we reach our 40s, we realise that the struggles in life is not as easy as it seems, and start to lose our vision and along with that, our dreams and goal in life. We began to feel unsatisfied and start to complain and criticize anything and everything under the sun; this government lousy lar, that not good lar etc. We are miserable coz we are never satisfied.

Reaching 60, we realize that we have little time left for complaining and we began to walk the final phases of our lives in peace and calmness. What to do? People don't live that long :p We think that there is nothing left that could disappoint us, only to realize at the age of 80 that our greatest hopes and dreams still lay unfulfilled back when we were 20.

Thinking point: It starts with you

Acts 3:1-10

One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.

Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. When all the people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

There is a saying that the art of communication is very important, be it among ourselves or to other people. There was a story about a blind man, who sat begging for money by the sidewalk. In front of him was a sign, "I am blind, please help me." He has been there for a long time, but only a few people cared enough to dropped several coins into the container in front of him. One morning, a man walking by dropped a large sum of money into the container, paused for a while, then proceeded to take the blind man's sign, turn it around, and wrote something on it. Soon, the blind man started to hear coins pouring into his container, as many people gave. One thing about blind people is they tend to be sensitive in their hearing, so upon recognising the footsteps of the man who came in the morning, the blind man grabbed him and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write on it?" The man answered, "I wrote what you meant, but in a different way. It read, "Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see."

Peter was a short-tempered, brash person who tends to talk or act before thinking. John on the other hand, was more of a reflective person who would think through something before expressing himself. Put 2 such people together and you might witness a clash of egos and personalities sooner or later. If we look at the context of the church today, how can 2 people from seemingly diverse and extreme backgrounds walk and serve together? There are bound to be conflicts, but if not because of this vision, it would have been impossible.

Some people may be able to do something faster and more effectively than others, but when you are assigned the job despite your lesser ability, are we willing to be faithful in such little things to be a blessing to others? On the other hand, there might be times when we felt annoyed at other people's apparent weaknesses / slowness. However, God has given you the best, He puts people in your life to mould and work with you. At the end of the day, you never know that you might probably gain more out of the relationship. John Maxwell pointed out that 'The journey with others is always slower than the journey alone - for the friendship of 2, the patience of 1 is necessary'. Therefore, when we felt like complaining / annoyed over somebody, always remind ourselves that we ourselves are the one that needs to change, whether the other person eventually improves / changes its not up to you to decide. It starts with you, don't point fingers at other people, 10 fingers will point back to you, coz everybody has shortcomings. Learn lay down yourself to appreciate and be a complement to one another, not look at others as a thorn in our eyes.

We might cover up the superficial and pretend as if everything is ok on the outside, but what is actually inside your heart, God knows and He is able to change it. Everything starts with a change of heart. Looking at many problems around us today, if you trace the root of the problem, the origin and what needs to be changed starts from the heart. Example: Some say that better education can eradicate the problem of crime, since most criminals come from lower socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, but its not necessarily true as it can also produce criminals who are smarter at what they do.

When John and Peter looked at the beggar at the Beautiful gate, the person only wanted money. Born lame since birth, he has depended on others throughout his life coz he can't work for a living. Peter and John could have given him money, but they gave him something better, a new beginning in a person's life. Do we dare to believe and claim God's miracle from His word? Maybe we are looking at the wrong places, expecting big things (eg blind seeing and the lame walking) but we missed that every life transformation (big or small) is a miracle. John and Peter may not have much, but they gave what they have wholeheartedly, and in that moment, God accomplished more than they could imagined.

Where to from here?

Currently listening: Sound the bugle
by: Bryan Adams (OST: Spirit - Stallion of the Cimarron)

Sound the bugle now, play it just for me
As the seasons change, remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on, I can't even start
I've got nothing left, just an empty heart.

I'm a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away
Or leave me lying here

Sound the bugle now, tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know that leads to anywhere
Without a light, I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down and decide not to go on.

Then from on high, somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are"
If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight, remember who you are.

Yeah, you're a soldier now
Fighting in a battle
To be free once more
Yeah, that's worth fighting for.

Psalm 143:5-8, 10 - I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what You hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land. Answer me quickly O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

End song: Sing of your great love
By: Planetshakers

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End of medical posting + Love never fails Part 2

1. Pretty bad coughing fits for the past week or so, then Sunday had an onset of headache, fever, sore throat (no I don't have H1N1 - I took the vaccination 3-4 weeks ago). Bedridden for days, even dragging myself to the clinic under my supervisor becomes a chore.. Paying RM1 at the outpatient clinic for bacampillin (antibiotics), panadol and loratidine (antihistamines) did not work out - though they thought it's my usual pharyngitis secondary to post-nasal drip, as I do get allergic rhinitis from time to time, so had to look around JB in a taxi for an open clinic on a public holiday. Paid RM90, but the GP felt that it could be an infected rhinitis with underlying mycoplasma infection, so he gave me some stronger drugs (Azithromycin, Theophylline, Eterocoxib and Pseudoephedrine). Today felt much better..

2. Did my MCR with my academic supervisor for a 2nd time coz he expected and drilled me and my partner to do better. Really thankful for the privilege of having such a bedside tutor. Not to say it was my best performance (I know its formative), but I thank God for quite high marks, and the joy of discovering what the patient had (initially I had suspected TB / lung CA), but found nothing on respiratory examination - got told to repeat my chest examination more thoroughly, and to my surprise there WAS indeed dull percussion note on the right lower lobe, with bronchial breath sounds on auscultation!

3. Got reminded during devotion of the following verse:

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

-John 21:15-19-

Why did Jesus had to ask Peter 3 times? Not that He is deaf, nor that He got nothing better to do, I believe it's coz:
1. People tend to be forgetful (especially when they become caught up with things).
2. We do not really mean it, or perhaps it has gradually become a routine (ie we might look fine from the outside based on the things we do, but unknowingly on the inside God is searching your heart for where your true motives lie)

4.
Watched an interesting movie titled 'I am Sam' during prayer meeting, and had a short but good sharing time with my shepherd. Synopsis as follows:

Sam Dawson (Sean Penn), a man with a developmental disability, lives in Los Angeles, works at Starbucks, and is the sole guardian of his six-year-old daughter Lucy (Dakota Fanning), after her mother abandoned them. Despite his limitations, Sam is well-adjusted and has a supportive group of friends with developmental disabilities, as well as a kind neighbor Annie (Dianne Wiest) who takes care of Lucy when Sam cannot. Though Sam provides a loving and caring environment for precocious Lucy, she soon surpasses his mental ability. Other children tease her for having a "retard" as a father, and she becomes too embarrassed to accept that she is more intellectually advanced than Sam. In preparation for a custody case, a social worker turns up at Lucy's birthday party and takes her away, allowing Sam two supervised visits per week.

On the advice of his friends, Sam approaches a high-powered lawyer, Rita Harrison (Michelle Pfeiffer), whose brusque manner, fast-paced schedule and difficult personal life have earned her a reputation as cold and unfeeling. In an attempt to prove to others that she isn't heartless, Rita surprisingly agrees to take on Sam's case for free (pro bono). As they work together to secure Sam's parental rights, Sam unwittingly helps Rita with her family problems, including encouraging her to leave her philandering husband and repairing her fractious relationship with her son.

During the trial period, Lucy is living in a foster home with Randy Carpenter (Laura Dern), but tries to convince Sam to help her run away, and continually escapes in the middle of the night to go to Sam's apartment, whereupon he immediately returns her. At the trial, Sam breaks down after opposing counsel convinces him that he is not capable of being a father. Ultimately, the foster family who plan to adopt Lucy decide to return her to Sam, with an arrangement that Randy will help him raise her.

The final scene depicts a soccer game, refereed by Sam, in which Lucy participates as a player. In attendance are the foster family, Sam's friendship group, Annie, and a newly-single Rita with her son...

It's an interesting observation to see that the very people trying to take away Sam's parenting rights (the lawyer, judge, department of children services etc) on the basis of his inability to provide financially and intellectually for his daughter, these people who actually lived normal lives and whose children have access to every physical need (ie money, education etc). However at times, these are the people who turned out not knowing how to take care of their own children (depicted in the movie through various relationship problems behind the scenes). On the other hand, I think we can learn from people like Sam, though intellectually disabled, in the area of going the extra mile when we care for someone, and being real (rather than putting on a projected image of oneself).

Love never fails

Currently listening: 恩典之路 (The Path of Grace)
by: 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise)

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祢是我的主 引我走正義路
Lord, You are my guide, the shepherd of my life
高山或低谷 都是祢在保護
Through the hills and valleys, You’re always by my side
萬人中唯獨 祢愛我認識我
Calling me by name, You’ve chosen me with love
永遠不變的應許 這一生都是祝福
Blessing me abundantly, Your promise will never change

Chorus (x2)
一步又一步 這是恩典之路
Every step we take, You lead us with Your grace
祢愛 祢手 將我緊緊抓住 (牽引我走這人生路)
Your love, Your hand, will hold us close to You (will guide us through the path of grace)

Lifegroup's praise and worship reminded me of 2 things:
1. Because God loves us, He is our enabler
Tuesday was a long day which started at 7.30am, then 5 hours of medical clinic with my consultant supervisor, clerking, examining, presenting and writing prescriptions for each patient who came in (already like MO already, seeing all your diabetes, asthma cases)..then after lunchbreak, ward work, and rounds until 5.30pm. Went to gym (probably a mistake? :p), then on call until 10pm. Too exhausted to do anything, next morning had to clerk patient for bedside. Nevertheless, really thank God for his favour the next day, and a good teaching session. Even as we sang 'God is the strength of my heart', got reminded that that He will continue to sustain us, even through difficulties (sometimes through little bits of encouragement), as during the times of Nehemiah, when the people faced opposition to the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem. As long as we try our best and continue to remain in God's purpose, he will help to accomplish the task (the wall was rebuilt in 52 days).

2. Because God loves us, He sees beyond our transgressions
One section of the song 'Power of Your Love', reads '..Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me, will be stripped away..' A part of John Bevere's book, 'Extraordinary' makes note that there's nothing we can do to make God loves us more or less, whatever we have done. Able to see how despite the many ridiculous things which the Israelites did and complained in the past which resulted in them wandering in the desert as punishment, how God remained faithful and patient in providing them with food, clothing and guidance. In the same way, many times we probably don't love God enough to look beyond the shortcomings / annoying side of our fellow brothers and sisters / family / colleagues etc. Probably should serve as a reminder from time to time..

Final few days in Melbourne Part 2: 1000 steps and final lifegroup

Currently listening: Daughtry - Home

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1000 steps
Yu Wan sms-ed me somewhere in March while I was in the middle of ward rounds, "Gary, do you wanna go for 1000 steps? Your Facebook says you wanna lose some weight right before you go back?" *swt* And so we went - as a Lifegroup after Sunday service to once again climb the Mount Dandenong trail. 1 mistake I made was forgetting that it was already autumn - winter is approaching, I turned up in t-shirt and shorts (it was F-R-E-E-Z-I-N-G).. and guess what; when we were on the way up to the foot of the steps, it started HAILING heavily.. to avoid everybody getting sick, had to divert to a nearby shelter, everybody was drenched though.

Funny that after that you can hear "Gary, it's all your fault!!" hahaha.. hello? I did not organise this - can't blame me. Once the hail stopped, Ivy suggested making Yu Wan the sacrificial lamb if it started raining again lolz.. A decision was made to try going up a second time (of course after praying that it will not rain) - it's encouraging to see everyone (even those who are not very fit) make it to the top despite the slippery slopes, mud on our shoes and chilly winds - must persevere on!!! Then later had a picnic (in freezing weather), where we played a game run by Mang Yik requiring people to guess certain facts about me (copied from my Facebook apparently) - but the weird thing is, since when did I mention I intend to get married before the age of 30??!!!! IT'S NOT ON MY FACEBOOK!!!!!! :p lolz

But overall a good and enjoyable time :-) (except that on the next morning I had to miss morning ward rounds coz the muscles on my whole body felt like a stiff and painful block of ice)..

Final lifegroup
Had a good time of sharing on campus. Appreciated Zhi Lin and co for their effort in attempted rendition of John Denver's 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' and Emil Chau's 'Peng You (Friends)' before I left.



I suppose even as I return to JB.. quite a few things which need to think through, especially with quite a number of things which had been imparted / spoken by others. Like Jason shared before I walked into the departure lounge, take some time to quieten down, and think of what to do next.

Final few days in Melbourne Part 1: Hospital

At the final team meeting, our consultant made a mention that it was my last team meeting, and wished me all the best as I fly home, after all the hard work - surprisingly even my registrar nodded his head in agreement, and the nurses and allied health people gave some applause for a job well done *happy* :p

So the next day I brought a box of chocolates for the ward staff whom I befriended, and the nurses returned the favour by inviting me over for lunch (they had potluck since it was 1 of their colleague's birthday) - so imagine me as the odd medical student sitting at the table, with a bunch people from the 'aunties' age group :p It's actually quite a multicultural ward, with staff from Malaysia, Europe, Philippines, India etc. (even some patients are non-English speaking!) Anyway, as we were having lunch, the doctors passed by, stuck their head in, and gave the 'What is my medical student doing with the nurses?' kind of look.. :p Lunch break!!! lolz


So this is the view of my 2nd hospital from the outside and below is the medical student lounge in the hospital - it has...computers, pantry with a fridge and microwave, water dispenser, sofa to sleep on, plasma TV!!!

As times change..

..so do people and their priorities. I think I have come to realised that just as others have moved on in life, I should probably do so too.

I remember my promise at the end of 2006 that I will definitely be back in 4 years time, but now I don't know when (or whether) I will actually set foot here again. Farewell Melbourne, it has been a good 3 months, and I leave you with mixed feelings.

Currently listening:
Regina Spektor - The Call (OST The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Musings over Easter

Currently listening:
Hillsong - All the Heavens

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Blunders
By nature, I am pretty much someone who likes to get things done quickly, but the problem arises when what you hear bypasses your brain before it gets to your hands. Was not a very good week at all, nearly got into trouble when the registrar picked up that I mistook patient's A drug chart with patient B (their INRs were different) on assumption without checking. Careless mistake.

Another blunder was to follow later, when a patient with bilateral pyoderma gangrenosum and several fractures went into hypoglycemia and hypotension (her Hb was also low), so she needed an urgent blood transfusion. It's 5pm in the evening of a long day, and I didn't know that the blood bank would be SO particular with documentation (EVERYTHING needs to be exact and matching).. It was the ONLY blood sample we could not afford to lose for cross-matching and transfusion, and when the blood bank called stating that I wrote different collection times on the request form and test tube, had to rush downstairs to rectify stuff. My registrar went absolutely ballistic (4-letter swear words aside, I think he's on the verge of beating up somebody) Fortunately the technician on duty for the day was kind enough to allow me to alter the info, and no need to re-collect the blood, otherwise patient would have died that night.

Connect sharing (continuing from the above)
Was prompted to flip to the pages on the death and resurrection (I think coz it's Easter? :p), and was also glancing through 'Whose Child is This?' by Bill Wilson, and one thing which caught me was the part where the angel told Mary Magdalene and the others who went to anoint the body with spices, "But go, tell His disciples - and Peter - that He is going before you into Galilee, there you will see Him, as He said to you." (Mark 16:7)

What is so special about Peter? What did Jesus see in this fellow? Jesus' 1st words to him were, "Follow me." So were His last words. Peter never failed to follow, but stumbled pretty often too as he got along. His character can be described as reckless (cutting off a soldier's ear), impulsive, easily swayed, cowardly, and the list goes on.. Ever promised someone the world? Peter claimed, "I am willing to die or go to prison." but when the time came, he chickened out, and denied knowing Jesus 3 times (as predicted). In his heart, he truly loved the Lord, but nobody needed to tell him - he knew he had blown it, badly, and felt a great remorse for it. But in this case, God especially wanted Peter to know that Christ was alive (ie "Tell him, he needs to know"). Not only was Peter restored upon receiving the great news, he went on a journey to do great things for God.

There will be tough times in life when we need special attention from the Lord, when we have probably messed up (eg I'm too far into this to turn back, I've made a big mistake etc) When such time arises, know that we have a God who loves and never fails us - His arm is never to far away to save.

God saw the potential in Peter. What does He see in you?

Wake up call
Maybe it is time to wake up, as I think I've been sleepwalking through medical school for the past 4 years.

Cinema at Chadstone
Watched 'The Blind Side' with a couple of fellow Lifegroup meddies. Got reminded of the significance of having somebody who believes in you.


Countdown
4 more days in Melbourne, Australia. Many people asked me how I feel, and basically a bit of mixed feelings heading back to JB. Several people asked to consider staying. My LGL remarked (I think jokingly), "Aiya, his loyalty is no longer with us already."

Some stuff observed and picked up from the Med CoreTeam (new people - Ivy and Mike not counted)
Christina - way of organising, encouraging, leading and sharing (pretty well-read, a reminder that I need to pick up and know my facts)
Yu Wan - I forgot already who described her as weird.. Somehow seems to have a constant sense of joy 24/7. Someone I believe who actually goes the extra mile in doing things.
Zhi Lin - Another one who is bit crazy and wacky - but notice the commitment and ability to liven up an atmosphere.
Zepeng - Reminded me not to just look on the surface, coz there might be more to a person if you actually look underneath it with the right approach (you might just uncover a heart desiring to grow).

Give and take away

Be careful what you ask for
Before I went to sleep on Sunday night, I asked, "God, can give me more motivation and make me more hardworking ar? Coz I felt as if I am being lazy and have not been doing much work.. The next day, a new consultant turned up in the ward and start bombarding me with quizzes and questions on basic and clinical sciences. Some I know the answer to (and managed to dodge), others I need to look up. And he did that for ALMOST every patient - My goodness, that was the LONGEST ward round in a while..

Prayer development ministry
Thankful that I went. Know your identity and in whom you find your security.

Oceania Convention 2010
Gold Coast in 2 days time. Heart preparation required.

It's a bitter pill to swallow..
..when you realise that you won battles but not the war.. when something you thought had gone well in the past did not turn out as expected when you reviewed it a second time around. Felt like one of the pillars of strength which you have built on all this while, suddenly being reduced to dust. Nevertheless, there were several reasons for me to feel upset, but delving deeper to the root of the problem, it took a song on the train ride home to serve a gentle reminder - (the lyrics speak for themselves) and also to give thanks in all circumstances.

Currently listening: Laura Story - Bless the Lord

Verse 1
You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
That need to be stripped away

Verse 2
And as You begin to refine
I'm learning to let go and rely
On One who walks with me
As hard as it may be
You're teaching me all the while to say

Chorus
Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that's in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power untold
Not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
To redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul

Bridge
Though my faith may falter and my strength may fail
I pray for eyes to see
The richness of Your mercy shown to me
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord