Defining moment

Currently listening: City Harvest Church - Because of You

There was a story about a man who fell off the ledge of a cliff, as it was quite dark and difficult to see. Fortunately, he managed to cling onto a branch at the edge. He looked up and shouted, “Hello??!! Is there anybody up there? Help me!!” Suddenly a voice answered, “Hey there, it’s me – I am God. I can help you, but you will have to let go of that branch.” The man was silent for a moment, and then shouted again, “Err.. Is there anybody ELSE up there???!!!” A group of people who came by later would come across a weird discovery, a dead body with the person’s hands basically 'glued' to the branch, but the ground only a few metres below his feet.

Some do-or-die situations lead people to come to their defining moments, where decisions need to be made which will determine where many things will end up. Today, what is yours? If there is something today that you are perhaps clinging onto tightly at such a time, perhaps God wants to remove that item so that you will once again take that step of faith and look to Him as your source of security.

Recently..

..I do question myself on how badly do I actually desire to see that something come to past.

It's a personal struggle. I don't know why it arose lately, compared to previous years where I have taken steps of faith before.

And then that soft, still voice came this morning through a thought, "You see, you have been trying to catch a certain feeling / perspective / encouragement through reading certain books, watching certain videos, asking here and thinking there, but you are looking at the wrong place. There is only 1 simple thing required, that is to take that step out of your comfort zone and lay down yourself."

End of medical posting + Love never fails Part 2

1. Pretty bad coughing fits for the past week or so, then Sunday had an onset of headache, fever, sore throat (no I don't have H1N1 - I took the vaccination 3-4 weeks ago). Bedridden for days, even dragging myself to the clinic under my supervisor becomes a chore.. Paying RM1 at the outpatient clinic for bacampillin (antibiotics), panadol and loratidine (antihistamines) did not work out - though they thought it's my usual pharyngitis secondary to post-nasal drip, as I do get allergic rhinitis from time to time, so had to look around JB in a taxi for an open clinic on a public holiday. Paid RM90, but the GP felt that it could be an infected rhinitis with underlying mycoplasma infection, so he gave me some stronger drugs (Azithromycin, Theophylline, Eterocoxib and Pseudoephedrine). Today felt much better..

2. Did my MCR with my academic supervisor for a 2nd time coz he expected and drilled me and my partner to do better. Really thankful for the privilege of having such a bedside tutor. Not to say it was my best performance (I know its formative), but I thank God for quite high marks, and the joy of discovering what the patient had (initially I had suspected TB / lung CA), but found nothing on respiratory examination - got told to repeat my chest examination more thoroughly, and to my surprise there WAS indeed dull percussion note on the right lower lobe, with bronchial breath sounds on auscultation!

3. Got reminded during devotion of the following verse:

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

-John 21:15-19-

Why did Jesus had to ask Peter 3 times? Not that He is deaf, nor that He got nothing better to do, I believe it's coz:
1. People tend to be forgetful (especially when they become caught up with things).
2. We do not really mean it, or perhaps it has gradually become a routine (ie we might look fine from the outside based on the things we do, but unknowingly on the inside God is searching your heart for where your true motives lie)

4.
Watched an interesting movie titled 'I am Sam' during prayer meeting, and had a short but good sharing time with my shepherd. Synopsis as follows:

Sam Dawson (Sean Penn), a man with a developmental disability, lives in Los Angeles, works at Starbucks, and is the sole guardian of his six-year-old daughter Lucy (Dakota Fanning), after her mother abandoned them. Despite his limitations, Sam is well-adjusted and has a supportive group of friends with developmental disabilities, as well as a kind neighbor Annie (Dianne Wiest) who takes care of Lucy when Sam cannot. Though Sam provides a loving and caring environment for precocious Lucy, she soon surpasses his mental ability. Other children tease her for having a "retard" as a father, and she becomes too embarrassed to accept that she is more intellectually advanced than Sam. In preparation for a custody case, a social worker turns up at Lucy's birthday party and takes her away, allowing Sam two supervised visits per week.

On the advice of his friends, Sam approaches a high-powered lawyer, Rita Harrison (Michelle Pfeiffer), whose brusque manner, fast-paced schedule and difficult personal life have earned her a reputation as cold and unfeeling. In an attempt to prove to others that she isn't heartless, Rita surprisingly agrees to take on Sam's case for free (pro bono). As they work together to secure Sam's parental rights, Sam unwittingly helps Rita with her family problems, including encouraging her to leave her philandering husband and repairing her fractious relationship with her son.

During the trial period, Lucy is living in a foster home with Randy Carpenter (Laura Dern), but tries to convince Sam to help her run away, and continually escapes in the middle of the night to go to Sam's apartment, whereupon he immediately returns her. At the trial, Sam breaks down after opposing counsel convinces him that he is not capable of being a father. Ultimately, the foster family who plan to adopt Lucy decide to return her to Sam, with an arrangement that Randy will help him raise her.

The final scene depicts a soccer game, refereed by Sam, in which Lucy participates as a player. In attendance are the foster family, Sam's friendship group, Annie, and a newly-single Rita with her son...

It's an interesting observation to see that the very people trying to take away Sam's parenting rights (the lawyer, judge, department of children services etc) on the basis of his inability to provide financially and intellectually for his daughter, these people who actually lived normal lives and whose children have access to every physical need (ie money, education etc). However at times, these are the people who turned out not knowing how to take care of their own children (depicted in the movie through various relationship problems behind the scenes). On the other hand, I think we can learn from people like Sam, though intellectually disabled, in the area of going the extra mile when we care for someone, and being real (rather than putting on a projected image of oneself).

Love never fails

Currently listening: 恩典之路 (The Path of Grace)
by: 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise)

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祢是我的主 引我走正義路
Lord, You are my guide, the shepherd of my life
高山或低谷 都是祢在保護
Through the hills and valleys, You’re always by my side
萬人中唯獨 祢愛我認識我
Calling me by name, You’ve chosen me with love
永遠不變的應許 這一生都是祝福
Blessing me abundantly, Your promise will never change

Chorus (x2)
一步又一步 這是恩典之路
Every step we take, You lead us with Your grace
祢愛 祢手 將我緊緊抓住 (牽引我走這人生路)
Your love, Your hand, will hold us close to You (will guide us through the path of grace)

Lifegroup's praise and worship reminded me of 2 things:
1. Because God loves us, He is our enabler
Tuesday was a long day which started at 7.30am, then 5 hours of medical clinic with my consultant supervisor, clerking, examining, presenting and writing prescriptions for each patient who came in (already like MO already, seeing all your diabetes, asthma cases)..then after lunchbreak, ward work, and rounds until 5.30pm. Went to gym (probably a mistake? :p), then on call until 10pm. Too exhausted to do anything, next morning had to clerk patient for bedside. Nevertheless, really thank God for his favour the next day, and a good teaching session. Even as we sang 'God is the strength of my heart', got reminded that that He will continue to sustain us, even through difficulties (sometimes through little bits of encouragement), as during the times of Nehemiah, when the people faced opposition to the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem. As long as we try our best and continue to remain in God's purpose, he will help to accomplish the task (the wall was rebuilt in 52 days).

2. Because God loves us, He sees beyond our transgressions
One section of the song 'Power of Your Love', reads '..Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me, will be stripped away..' A part of John Bevere's book, 'Extraordinary' makes note that there's nothing we can do to make God loves us more or less, whatever we have done. Able to see how despite the many ridiculous things which the Israelites did and complained in the past which resulted in them wandering in the desert as punishment, how God remained faithful and patient in providing them with food, clothing and guidance. In the same way, many times we probably don't love God enough to look beyond the shortcomings / annoying side of our fellow brothers and sisters / family / colleagues etc. Probably should serve as a reminder from time to time..

Thinking process..

Currently listening: Matt Maher - Empty and Beautiful


Currently reading (as a Lifegroup): The God Chasers (by Tommy Tenney)


Some things are just difficult to lay down.

Got reminded of Paul Ang's sermon on finishing well.. scary to see how time and time again, stories of people who did great things and whose hearts were faithful for long periods of time (eg the life of King Asa), ended up self-destructing towards the end..

In Psalm 44, the author remembered God’s faithfulness in the past in helping the Israelites through many battles. Our source of victory / strength is in God, not our own abilities. But later, the author finds no reason for defeat, oppression, devastation which befell them, but yet he chose to put His hope in God, as mentioned 3 times ("Why are you downcast my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope on God, for I will yet praise Him, my savior and my God."). How is our response towards commitment despite things not going our way?

A leader commented that although I can share the many things I have seen and learnt, and how God has helped me through various things over the past 2 years, but these are visible things / experiences. Hence, if you take everything out of the picture and strip it bare, with nothing left (no people, no church, no testimonies, no teaching etc) - you are by yourself.. then what will the basis of your faith be grounded in when it comes to decision making? Putting aside the circumstances at hand and the pros and cons of each option, really ASK what does He want you to do after graduation?

Reminded of a reunion last month with a person who encouraged me to press on despite the odds, a brief encounter which yielded the words, "The joy of the Lord shall be your strength."

It's never about programs / methods - it's about one life impacting another.

We may never fully understand a mother's love for her children.

Currently listening:
讚美之泉 - 你愛永不變 (Your steadfast love. By: Stream of Praise)



I have actually seen a Chinese grandmother in a similar situation as the video above on arrival at Melbourne airport in 2006. She got off with a warning after Australian customs told her off.

There was a sharing session today about the impact of our parents on our lives, since we celebrated Parents' day (especially mothers). Didn't really share, but got reminded of a few things.. the times spent with my mum at home, where she will boil 'tang yuen' for me, and I will help her make Chinese New Year cookies. You can take me to any hawker stall in the country, but I still think the 'meehoon kueh' (ie pan mee) she makes is the best.. I stopped coming back from outings late at night coz she will always wait for me in the living room before locking up.. Many times failed to appreciate the fact that she was willing to call every 2-3 days while I was in Australia (and even here), asking me the same list of questions which I have pretty much memorised already (eat already? what am i doing now? got do this (or that) or not etc?).. I do remember though while in YANA CG, mailing back home a card designed by a fellow friend, in it was 'Thank you' written in quite ugly Mandarin, (my 1st attempt), but she loved it. One incident which really struck me was when during an occasion when we tried to get a tailor at a market downtown to mend my torn pair of shorts (we don't have a sowing machine at home for this kind of damage). All the tailors along both sides of the market atrium refused to take up the job (coz it pays them too little). At that point, I was thinking of just going home and not wasting time, but instead, she went from shop to shop to personally and persistently beg them to take up the job, enduring multiple ridicules in the process..You might say that my mum is a typical 'kampung' lady who did not finish secondary school, but the little things here and there which she does, really touches me.

Thank you mum. Happy Mother's Day.

Medical mumbo jumbo and stuff

Lesson learnt: when you see a patient with chronic liver disease secondary to alcoholic liver cirrhosis, always take the psychosocial history (finances, family situation at home, history of accidents / fights due to subdural bleed), psychiatric history (Wernicke and Korsakoff encephalopathy), gastrointestinal history (variceal and GI bleed).

Woke up early to observe a kidney biopsy on a patient under my follow up. Before I could finish introducing myself, already got scolded by the specialist to stand at the corner - managed to watched the biopsy though, amidst the firing received by the nurses and MO. The houseman whispered, "You are lucky that this is one of the extremely rare cases when she didn't mind, usually she will chase everybody away when she is doing the procedure."

2 on calls this week. Duno why when I follow a particular specialist, you can be sure the night will not end early..

Interesting cases seen:
1. Middle aged Chinese patient with 6 month history of chorea (ruled out Huntington's), CT shows generalised cerebellar atrophy and small vessel ischaemia, the housemen went hunting for autoimmune causes of vascular disease (due to his young age). MRI came back with a long list of findings (which the 3rd years would know better), I could only remember cerebral atrophy and nasopharyngeal carcinoma compressing certain regions.
2. 5-year old girl presenting with exacerbation of asthma, has an incidental finding of dextrocardia.
3. Patient diagnosed to have pemphigus vulgaris by dermatology, but the history sounded to me more like an outbreak of herpes simplex (painful oral and throat ulcers), treated with antibiotics (?URTI) which led to Steven-Johnson syndrome (lesions on upper limb, trunk, lips and neck).
4. Patient with atypical pneumonia, probably due to Legionella from air conditioning.

Old lady from mainland China admitted for pulmonary embolism. Can see that she was really unwell and could not sleep (the nurses transferred her back and forth in the wards to make way for sicker patients).. tried my best to reassure her, the husband and daughter that the cardiologist needs to see her before she gets upgraded to a higher class ward. I think the husband appreciated the concern, despite my broken Mandarin. Looking from a distance, specialist asked my friend, "I thought his Chinese was extremely limited? Looks quite ok to me.." Anyway, need to start reopening my 'Learn Mandarin in 40 days' book.

It's pretty tough being a foreign worker in this country, especially when it comes to healthcare. You fall sick, your employer not willing to foot your medical bill (coz foreigners get charged more on hospital admission), so you see doctors getting phone calls from bosses asking when their employees can be discharged, or requesting a letter to certify him/her as having a medical illness and needing to be deported back to their home country.

Sights and sounds from a mortality meeting

"So this week we have a couple of old people who dropped dead. Not interesting.. next."
"Clearly there is a lack of brain in this room!"
"Next time call the specialist because the cardiology MO didn't know how to read ECG, he will look at it and tell u 'don't worry, coz it's N-O-T-H-I-N-G..!'"
"You are all USELESS and HOPELESS, do you know that? The whole town knows it, all 13 states in Malaysia knows it.. can you get any more famous than that?"
"Why do you guys put a TB/H1N1 patient who is coughing away left-right-centre in the SAME cubicle with the HIV/immunocompromised patients??!!"
"Renal failure patient from another hospital, choked on a piece of bread while undergoing haemodialysis. Intubated, CPR unsuccessful, sent to our hospital and died. Nobody know how to do Heimlich Manoeuvre ar?"
"Renal failure patient, started on medication for gout (supposed to stop when gout resolves or patient develops diarrhoea).. houseman copied the 3-times daily dose onto the prescription slip for discharge for 3 months. So the patient being a stupid fellow kept on taking lar despite having diarrhoea. Later admitted to hospital urea and creatinine was sky high and you go and pump in fluids on the assumption patient was dehydrated?? Patient developed myocardial infarction and died in the ICU."

And people wonder why MOs and Housemen kept telling me off over the past couple of weeks "Don't be stupid enough to think of working here - it's like a MAD house."

Post-call musings over past week

Currently listening: Hillsong - You are my strength
>
He is able and He will enable

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer.
-Habakkuk 3:17-19-

p/s: Thanks Christina!

What does it take to be able to say 'as you will' each step of the way?

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter. "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
-Matthew 26:39-41-

Back to chaos I suppose

Currently listening: Amy Sandstrom-Shoyer - Trust in the Lord

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My classmate commented, "Gary, how can you tell people of such misadventures of yours?! People will think you are a hazard!" It's my way of coping - just coz I tell people or laugh things off does not mean I'm proud of or find it funny, but I suppose it's a humble reminder that I'm surviving daily by God's grace. A friend of mine commented that medical training is perhaps one of the worst forms of training ever - people entrust you with their lives, and you don't know what might happen next with each thing you do.

My ward is PACKED with patients.. It's hot and stuffy, a 9am-5pm day can just leave you exhausted and drenched (patients are sweating despite bringing their own table fans), even with minimal walking. Specimen bags and patient's case notes lying strewn here and there. Things (eg forms, gloves, items for procedures) can just be SO difficult to find, and when they run out, nobody bothers to restock them. Nurses rushing to go off early not giving patients insulin at the right time (need to correlate with meals). A patient who arrived in the ward in the morning being overlooked and not clerked until evening - had to postpone a cardiac procedure. Imagine having to endure the patient's Chinese wife who kept complaining, and complaining, and complaining.. A patient with cardiomyopathy and heart failure symptoms got admitted to the ward from outpatient clinic. The management on the referral letter says '2 pints of normal saline' (ie you know the patient is probably already overloaded with fluid, and you pump in more fluids).

A trick I picked up (to reduce the number of times of the patient being poked, especially if he/she needs daily bloods), is to take blood from the IV cannula after its insertion and flush it later with heparinised saline. However, I think the patient must be wondering why a section of his hand suddenly swelled up like a balloon, but no blood is coming out into the syringe.. when the blood eventually came, it was clotted and unusable - ie houseman need to retake blood, IV needs to be re-done at another site.. *swt*

I volunteered to insert a urinary catheter for a renal failure patient with acute urinary retention due to an enlarged prostate. It seemed normal enough, with little resistance, and when it went in, there was a tiny bit of clot and clear urine flowed out. A few minutes later, I was wondering why the urine was changing to tea-coloured, and subsequently to my (and the ward staff's) horror, the urinary bag filled up with blood (gross haematuria) - had to immediately order blood tests, contact the blood bank to group and hold some blood for transfusion, refer urology for irrigation and ultrasound. Great, will only find out what actually is the problem tomorrow (hopefully not my fault) - what else could go wrong?

Final few days in Melbourne Part 2: 1000 steps and final lifegroup

Currently listening: Daughtry - Home

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1000 steps
Yu Wan sms-ed me somewhere in March while I was in the middle of ward rounds, "Gary, do you wanna go for 1000 steps? Your Facebook says you wanna lose some weight right before you go back?" *swt* And so we went - as a Lifegroup after Sunday service to once again climb the Mount Dandenong trail. 1 mistake I made was forgetting that it was already autumn - winter is approaching, I turned up in t-shirt and shorts (it was F-R-E-E-Z-I-N-G).. and guess what; when we were on the way up to the foot of the steps, it started HAILING heavily.. to avoid everybody getting sick, had to divert to a nearby shelter, everybody was drenched though.

Funny that after that you can hear "Gary, it's all your fault!!" hahaha.. hello? I did not organise this - can't blame me. Once the hail stopped, Ivy suggested making Yu Wan the sacrificial lamb if it started raining again lolz.. A decision was made to try going up a second time (of course after praying that it will not rain) - it's encouraging to see everyone (even those who are not very fit) make it to the top despite the slippery slopes, mud on our shoes and chilly winds - must persevere on!!! Then later had a picnic (in freezing weather), where we played a game run by Mang Yik requiring people to guess certain facts about me (copied from my Facebook apparently) - but the weird thing is, since when did I mention I intend to get married before the age of 30??!!!! IT'S NOT ON MY FACEBOOK!!!!!! :p lolz

But overall a good and enjoyable time :-) (except that on the next morning I had to miss morning ward rounds coz the muscles on my whole body felt like a stiff and painful block of ice)..

Final lifegroup
Had a good time of sharing on campus. Appreciated Zhi Lin and co for their effort in attempted rendition of John Denver's 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' and Emil Chau's 'Peng You (Friends)' before I left.



I suppose even as I return to JB.. quite a few things which need to think through, especially with quite a number of things which had been imparted / spoken by others. Like Jason shared before I walked into the departure lounge, take some time to quieten down, and think of what to do next.

Final few days in Melbourne Part 1: Hospital

At the final team meeting, our consultant made a mention that it was my last team meeting, and wished me all the best as I fly home, after all the hard work - surprisingly even my registrar nodded his head in agreement, and the nurses and allied health people gave some applause for a job well done *happy* :p

So the next day I brought a box of chocolates for the ward staff whom I befriended, and the nurses returned the favour by inviting me over for lunch (they had potluck since it was 1 of their colleague's birthday) - so imagine me as the odd medical student sitting at the table, with a bunch people from the 'aunties' age group :p It's actually quite a multicultural ward, with staff from Malaysia, Europe, Philippines, India etc. (even some patients are non-English speaking!) Anyway, as we were having lunch, the doctors passed by, stuck their head in, and gave the 'What is my medical student doing with the nurses?' kind of look.. :p Lunch break!!! lolz


So this is the view of my 2nd hospital from the outside and below is the medical student lounge in the hospital - it has...computers, pantry with a fridge and microwave, water dispenser, sofa to sleep on, plasma TV!!!

As times change..

..so do people and their priorities. I think I have come to realised that just as others have moved on in life, I should probably do so too.

I remember my promise at the end of 2006 that I will definitely be back in 4 years time, but now I don't know when (or whether) I will actually set foot here again. Farewell Melbourne, it has been a good 3 months, and I leave you with mixed feelings.

Currently listening:
Regina Spektor - The Call (OST The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Musings over Easter

Currently listening:
Hillsong - All the Heavens

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Blunders
By nature, I am pretty much someone who likes to get things done quickly, but the problem arises when what you hear bypasses your brain before it gets to your hands. Was not a very good week at all, nearly got into trouble when the registrar picked up that I mistook patient's A drug chart with patient B (their INRs were different) on assumption without checking. Careless mistake.

Another blunder was to follow later, when a patient with bilateral pyoderma gangrenosum and several fractures went into hypoglycemia and hypotension (her Hb was also low), so she needed an urgent blood transfusion. It's 5pm in the evening of a long day, and I didn't know that the blood bank would be SO particular with documentation (EVERYTHING needs to be exact and matching).. It was the ONLY blood sample we could not afford to lose for cross-matching and transfusion, and when the blood bank called stating that I wrote different collection times on the request form and test tube, had to rush downstairs to rectify stuff. My registrar went absolutely ballistic (4-letter swear words aside, I think he's on the verge of beating up somebody) Fortunately the technician on duty for the day was kind enough to allow me to alter the info, and no need to re-collect the blood, otherwise patient would have died that night.

Connect sharing (continuing from the above)
Was prompted to flip to the pages on the death and resurrection (I think coz it's Easter? :p), and was also glancing through 'Whose Child is This?' by Bill Wilson, and one thing which caught me was the part where the angel told Mary Magdalene and the others who went to anoint the body with spices, "But go, tell His disciples - and Peter - that He is going before you into Galilee, there you will see Him, as He said to you." (Mark 16:7)

What is so special about Peter? What did Jesus see in this fellow? Jesus' 1st words to him were, "Follow me." So were His last words. Peter never failed to follow, but stumbled pretty often too as he got along. His character can be described as reckless (cutting off a soldier's ear), impulsive, easily swayed, cowardly, and the list goes on.. Ever promised someone the world? Peter claimed, "I am willing to die or go to prison." but when the time came, he chickened out, and denied knowing Jesus 3 times (as predicted). In his heart, he truly loved the Lord, but nobody needed to tell him - he knew he had blown it, badly, and felt a great remorse for it. But in this case, God especially wanted Peter to know that Christ was alive (ie "Tell him, he needs to know"). Not only was Peter restored upon receiving the great news, he went on a journey to do great things for God.

There will be tough times in life when we need special attention from the Lord, when we have probably messed up (eg I'm too far into this to turn back, I've made a big mistake etc) When such time arises, know that we have a God who loves and never fails us - His arm is never to far away to save.

God saw the potential in Peter. What does He see in you?

Wake up call
Maybe it is time to wake up, as I think I've been sleepwalking through medical school for the past 4 years.

Cinema at Chadstone
Watched 'The Blind Side' with a couple of fellow Lifegroup meddies. Got reminded of the significance of having somebody who believes in you.


Countdown
4 more days in Melbourne, Australia. Many people asked me how I feel, and basically a bit of mixed feelings heading back to JB. Several people asked to consider staying. My LGL remarked (I think jokingly), "Aiya, his loyalty is no longer with us already."

Some stuff observed and picked up from the Med CoreTeam (new people - Ivy and Mike not counted)
Christina - way of organising, encouraging, leading and sharing (pretty well-read, a reminder that I need to pick up and know my facts)
Yu Wan - I forgot already who described her as weird.. Somehow seems to have a constant sense of joy 24/7. Someone I believe who actually goes the extra mile in doing things.
Zhi Lin - Another one who is bit crazy and wacky - but notice the commitment and ability to liven up an atmosphere.
Zepeng - Reminded me not to just look on the surface, coz there might be more to a person if you actually look underneath it with the right approach (you might just uncover a heart desiring to grow).

Oceania Convention 2010 - Gold Coast

Video acknowledgements: WorshipArtsMedia(WAM), Hope Brisbane

Give and take away

Be careful what you ask for
Before I went to sleep on Sunday night, I asked, "God, can give me more motivation and make me more hardworking ar? Coz I felt as if I am being lazy and have not been doing much work.. The next day, a new consultant turned up in the ward and start bombarding me with quizzes and questions on basic and clinical sciences. Some I know the answer to (and managed to dodge), others I need to look up. And he did that for ALMOST every patient - My goodness, that was the LONGEST ward round in a while..

Prayer development ministry
Thankful that I went. Know your identity and in whom you find your security.

Oceania Convention 2010
Gold Coast in 2 days time. Heart preparation required.

It's a bitter pill to swallow..
..when you realise that you won battles but not the war.. when something you thought had gone well in the past did not turn out as expected when you reviewed it a second time around. Felt like one of the pillars of strength which you have built on all this while, suddenly being reduced to dust. Nevertheless, there were several reasons for me to feel upset, but delving deeper to the root of the problem, it took a song on the train ride home to serve a gentle reminder - (the lyrics speak for themselves) and also to give thanks in all circumstances.

Currently listening: Laura Story - Bless the Lord

Verse 1
You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
That need to be stripped away

Verse 2
And as You begin to refine
I'm learning to let go and rely
On One who walks with me
As hard as it may be
You're teaching me all the while to say

Chorus
Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that's in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power untold
Not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
To redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul

Bridge
Though my faith may falter and my strength may fail
I pray for eyes to see
The richness of Your mercy shown to me
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

Currently listening: Michael W Smith (featuring the African Children's Choir) - A New Hallelujah

It's all about You

Currently listening: Reuben Morgan - With All I Am

Decisions can be hard at times; so do we actually mean it when we sing,
"Though none go with me, I still will follow (x3), no turning back, no turning back."

Belated Connect sharing

Monday - Delirium workshop at Peninsula campus
Wednesday - SIM centre, final day

This week, I only had the chance to be in the aged care rehabilitation ward on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday - and I was feeling quite tired after long days for SIM centre in the city. Anyway, what happened was that I tried to be more proactive in terms of taking initiative, so I will be the one who arrives in the ward early in the morning before the doctors' rounds to help get things done. For this, I think I found favour with the resident and registrar (who although still scolds me, actually teaches and guides me through stuff in front of the computer). Not sure if the other student paired with me is happy about it though, doesn't look like it, with sarcastic remarks about me needing hearing aids when I found it difficult to catch her accent (by the way, she comes late for ward rounds and goes home during lunch).

Although our consultant supervisor will be leaving this week, he indicated to me that he will discuss with my registrar before filling up our assessment form for the rotation later when he is free. Nevertheless, my partner cleverly sneaked to the office to grab both our assessment forms and arranged with the consultant to get them out the way on Friday. I suspect she plans not to show up in the wards for the next 3 weeks with her assessment form out of the way. That essentially means while she has completed her 2 modules, I have 4 modules to cram overnight on Thursday before the assessment (including the additional health systems module that Malaysian students have to do). As I was typing out my thorough patient history and results according to the study guide, one thing which I don't really need is for people to tell me that I am wasting time by doing it as a long case (all she had was just a copied summary of the patient notes for brief discussions with the consultant). I supposed it frustrated me that I just felt like grumbling and complaining, "God, its NOT FAIR. She gets more time to read up and prepare, and she gets away with such things."

But I got reminded of Colossians 3:23-24 - 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.' Who are we living for? Today, as we go into our workplace / universities, our boss is not the employer who pays our salary, or the institution which offers us scholarships, or your supervisor whom you are worried what marks he will give you - our boss is J.E.S.U.S. We do not do things for the sake of pleasing man / our personal benefits. People may cheat their way and take advantage when their boss is not around (or call you stupid in the process for not being like them), but it's ok. Sooner or later, people will notice the difference, and like Matthew 5:16 puts it - 'In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.' To cut the long story short, as I upheld it unto God's hand whatever the outcome (nothing more I could do), I managed to complete all my modules for Friday, and scored pretty high marks from my consultant too :-) My registrar took me out for coffee, and somehow was able to unexpectedly see how God opened a way for us to start informally chatting about Youth group (music and singing, church etc).

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耶和华，你是我的神 (Jehovah, You are my God)
讚美之泉 (by: Stream of Praise)

耶和華你是我的神，我要時時稱頌你的名，
(Oh God, You are my God. I will always praise Your holy name.)
你是我的盾牌，是我的榮耀，又是叫我抬起頭的神。
(You alone are my shield, my glory. Lord, You are the lifter of my head.)
縱然仇敵圍繞攻擊我，在你懷中必不怕遭害。
(When my foes surround me in the night. In Your arms I will not be afraid.)
你是我的神，我所倚靠的，你同在使我完全得勝。
(I will trust in You, for You are my God. In Your presence there is victory.)

Decisions - Food for thought

A preacher once said, "Let me ask you guys a question. What will you do if one day you are walking down a street, and you come across a nice wallet which somebody dropped. Upon opening it, you found that it contains quite a large sum of money in it?"

So I was thinking to myself, "Well, it's simple enough isn't it? Sounds like 1 of those questions to assess judgement in psychiatric patients :p If you can't contact the owner, just hand it up to lost and found.."

"The answer is; you won't know..until you are in that situation."

Surrender - Part 2

Currently listening: Laura Story - I think of You

Verse 1
When I think of sunlight piercing through the clouds to paint the perfect sky
I think of the silver lining of Your love, and I think of You

Verse 2
When I think of streams that weave through desert lands as beauty comes alive
I think of the healing fountain of Your grace in my life, in my life

Chorus
And I think of You who shines with endless light through broken jars of clay
And I think of You redeeming every part of each day that You've made
And I think of You

Verse 3
When I think of children laughing full of wonder and families reconciled
I think of the joy that's found in answered prayer, and it makes me smile
Makes me smile!

Bridge
For redemption's now the story of my soul
'Cause it was You who paid the highest price for broken jars of clay
And you still choose to use my life for Your glory displayed

This week was better (thanks guys for the prayers) - tired from various site visits.
1 of which was Meals on Wheels, where we drove from door to door delivering food to elderly people in the community who have trouble with meal preparation. Took photo with the staff and team leader - actually quite 'paiseh', but what to do, I did a half-day's work for the MONASH CITY COUNCIL :p so might as well.. Got a few modules done and my ward registrar sent me home early (12.30pm - never been let off so early before :p lolz)

This week has been a week of countless reminders:
- to focus on His strength, instead of my failures
- to love unconditionally and not sledgehammer people ("If we judge, we have no time to love people." - Mother Teresa)
- that He desires obedience, not sacrifice

A few reminders from my shepherd and a fellow friend on what am I to do here with whatever time left, whether am I actually trying too hard from the way things are going.. and it brings reminder of something from Dr Alex's site last year..

A legend has it that there was a temple built on an island and it held a thousand bells. Bells, big and small, fashioned by the finest craftsman in the world. When the wind blew or a storm raged, all the bells would peal out in a symphony that would send the heart of the hearer into raptures.
But over the centuries, the island sank into the sea and, with it, the temple bells. It is said that the bells continued to peel out, ceaselessly, and could be heard by anyone who would listened. Inspired by this legend, a young man traveled thousands of miles, determined to hear those bells. He sat for days on the shore, facing the vanished island, and listened with all his might. But all he could hear was the sound of the sea. He made every effort to block it out. But to no avail; the sound of the sea seemed to flood the world.
He kept at his tasks for weeks. Each time he got disheartened he would listen to the village elders who spoke with passion of the mysterious legend. Then his heart will be aflame…only to be discouraged again when weeks of further effort yielded no results.

Finally he decided to give up the attempt. Perhaps he was not destined to hear the bells. Perhaps the legend was not true. It was his final day, and he went to the shore to say goodbye to the sea and the sky and the wind and the coconut trees. He lay on the sand, and for the first time listened to the sound of the sea. Soon he was so lost in the sound that he was barely conscious of himself, so deep was the silence the sound produced.

In the depth of that silence, he heard it! The twinkle of a tiny bell followed by another, and another, and another…and soon every one of the thousand temple bells was peeling out in harmony, and his heart was rapt in joyous ecstasy.

Went to Mount Dandenong for jogging with a few friends, and we hiked up this trail called the '1000 steps' in Kokoda track, which was a World War 2 memorial.. Man, from my fitness levels, almost felt like can die leh (damn tiring).. but we all made it to the top, some slower than the others.. but like what John Maxwell shared, "The journey with others is slower than the journey alone." So do we only want to go fast? Or go far?



I do admit that patience is a virtue which I am still learning, and many times I cling on to what I want to see come to past in my own terms. Help me to learn it well, and to see that just as in the past, You are never late.

Surrender

"When there is much prayer, there is much power. When there is little prayer, there is little power, and when there is no prayer, there is no power." -Charles Spurgeon-

My cardiothoracic surgery rotation ended, and the final week set up an opportunity for me to prepare something for last week's Lifegroup Connect Sharing. Basically, I walked up to my professor's office to arrange the time for my case presentation, but it turned out that he was in a research meeting. Although I was told that I don't have to waste time attending it (since I don't understand much on their research projects), I decided to take his invitation and sat through with them (although I was feeling quite sleepy) - what have I got to lose? It's in my allocated timetable. I decided to check that I'm researching the right thing for the presentation, and to my dismay, I was told to change the topic coz it was not something related to my patient's condition. Where in the world to find time to re-do everything with journal references when the deadline is tomorrow morning?! That night I had a very terrible headache, could not do anything at all.. After a time of prayer, decided to get some rest instead. Woke up at 3am in the morning, and surprisingly somehow managed to string together a few articles in that 2 hours before I rush off to catch the bus. That morning, I think I was a bit overwhelmed when I saw my friends actually did a thorough research and meta-analysis / systematic reviews, and included almost all the patient's test results. When my turn came, I think I stumbled a bit here and there (mind you, my presentation was a simplified 'Aortic stenosis for dummies' sort of presentation with a few reviews and guidelines strung up together, but still looked convincing enough I suppose - I was looking at my professor's facial expression throughout the whole presentation), but I was truly thankful that he marked it off with a pretty good score and comment: "Very good presentation, shows good understanding of topic." (phew..)

Storm of the century
I have learnt to trust the weather forecast in Melbourne, no matter how hot and sunny the morning is, if the afternoon forecast is rainy, it WILL rain. Found out the hard way as my friend dropped me off at the library after lunch as the weather was a bit cloudy, and half an hour later - I was stuck in the library amidst the one of the worst hailstorms and which shattered windows and flooded downtown Melbourne. You have hailstones as big as tennis balls. Well, there goes plans to attend the Moomba festival - in fact it got cancelled as people fled for cover. Even the roof at Southern Cross train station collapsed.


sur-ren-der verb
1. to relinquish (something) to the possession or power of another
2. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another
2 things:
a) I find Emergency medicine a struggle, notable from the simulations where I still have a lot to learn as I fumbled here and there..
b) Aged care rotation is not really a holiday / relaxed posting as some would put it. True, people do go home at 2pm, but for me, I am attached to a Malaysian registrar, and of course knowing where I come from, he pushes me to meet his high expectations lar.. and in that midst, scoldings form the routine for 2 consecutive days.

"I'm pushing you, since in the Malaysian education system, they don't teach you in the wards how to manage fluids / write case notes / order and chase test results, since you mentioned that interns do most of it and you end up as a passive observer. When you come out as houseman, you are just expected to know. So take the next 6 weeks to learn it well."
"I expect you to take a proactive and participative role, not just come for morning ward rounds and stand there acting like a ward clerk."
"Don't you know we are not suppose to write with blue pen due to medicolegal reasons?"
"Can you improve on your handwriting? It's hard to read!!!"
The resident often gets the afternoon off, so the registrar will be stuck with a lot of work at that time, he will be chasing tests and nurses will just come and dump a stack of file by his side for the patients' warfarin doses to be charted. In my previous urban hospital posting, I did not get the opportunity to do admissions because it is the job of the residents (the hospital sort of has a rather strict hierarchy system on the roles of different healthcare staff), so in my 1st admission, I realised that for rehabilitation patients, you need to trace their old notes and discharge summaries - that means going through patient case files as thick as Murtagh's General Practice. I think the 1st 2 times I presented, I wonder whether who will die 1st, me or the registrar (from the way he looks stressed at me, he might get a heart attack).
My consultant is leaving, so the registrar is doing bulk of my assessment.
I figured that instead of listing down examination findings, I might as well try using pictures to simplify my message. Problem was that I was a bad artist, and my diagram resulted in the registrar giving the horrified *swt* look and the nurses in the ward not knowing whether to laugh.. (Note: patient deidentified)
I assumed the 3 drug charts chucked to me by the registrar belongs to my patient, so I copied everything, only to realise that 1 of them belonged to another patient when he checked later. Dangerous, patient can die if given wrong drugs. Got scolded - "You know for the past few days you have been going home super late (6pm) because of such mistakes.. it is UNACCEPTABLE."

Seriously, I needed a break. But I appreciate what he was trying to do in preparing me for housemanship in Malaysia. I just need to let go, to take the plunge although I might not see where it leads to for now.

Great Ocean Road trip
Uploaded some photos on Facebook - check it out :p


Prepare for rain
You've watched it so many times, read about it even more - but what does it mean to prepare your field for God to send the rain? What is your field by the way?

Currently listening: Laura Story - There is nothing

Verse 1
Lord I come before you to honor and adore You,
For who You are and all that You have done,
But Lord I am not worthy, my heart is dark and dirty,
Still somehow You bid for me to come.

Bridge
So clothe me humility,
Remind me that I come before a king.

Chorus
There is nothing, there is nothing,
More precious, more worthy,
May I gaze deeper, may I stay longer,
May I press onward to know You Lord.

Verse 2
May our time be sweeter, may I be a keeper,
Of the promises I make to You in song,
And Lord may I remember these moments of surrender,
And live my life this way from this day on.

Bridge and Chorus x2