Just one of those bad weeks

Medicine; a profession that combines scientific knowledge, the art of compassion and skill. The hands of an expert surgeon deftly cuts the skin and sutures the wound with such precision that if you take away the surgeon's arms, it is as if he becomes nothing short of being useless. Control. Something which the most skilful of doctors possess. Ever wondered what is it like to lose it?

But before that, it has been an emotionally and physically tiring week for me. Monday: I was coming off some headaches about a few things back home.. then I interpreted a few things which my shepherd said the wrong way.. turned out to be a bit of a misunderstanding lar, which I was stressed about. As much as I try to not put God into a box, I end up doing so at times. And it does get frustrating, the stress just piles up.

I have been sick since Saturday (your usual cold, fever and headaches), probably thanks to sleeping 20 hours in 4 days in the past week. So yeah. And Monday night I was SO tired, but had to cram something right for MCR? Tried studying CVS and respi from Talley the night before until I just knocked myself out to sleep around 11pm. Then, woke up at Tuesday morning 6am feeling guilty that I haven't studied enough, cram the remaining systems (GIT, haemato, MSK, neuro, endocrine etc) from Talley's clinical examination + Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine (since you need to give investigations and management of conditions also) until my brain just cannot take it anymore at 12 pm. Tuesday turns out to be a nightmare. The dreaded phone call came at 2pm, when my examiner called me to the wards to interview a patient. And for all that I read up, I got a patient with asthma. The worst part was, I bungled it up, missing bits and pieces of the history, and was so tensed up (was also trying to do away with note-taking, since it was banned by my tutor) that I kind of messed up my presentation, and also totally forgot about the investigations and management of asthma. So obviously failed lar. My examiner even remarked, "Didn't I take you guys for your 1st PBL on asthma?" Ouch..

Feel dumb lar at times honestly :p, coz I haven't really been studying also. Even if I do, wouldn't remember when being questioned.

Went back home, was super emo that I didn't really felt like talking to anybody lar (I think if anybody came and disturb me I would have slapped him lor :p), so I downed a large set of pizza to vent my disappointment (hey, I had never failed before ok. 1st time). Then, something happened that night. I don't want to mention here lar what it was, but in short, with the mood I was in, it made me felt rather -duno what suitable word to use, my brain was like a blender- lar.. like, "I can't take this anymore. Too much.. I just needed to go away. Alone." But to cut it short, it turned out fine lar in the end. *goes to a little corner, looks up, and thank God*

Went back home it was already 2am in the morning.. Couldn't sleep, and when I finally did, the toilet bowl valve gave way, and the sound of gushing water woke me up at 5am. Ridiculous. I was already lacking sleep like a zombie.

Ben was kind of right lar I guess. I had a bad day. Or a bad week I suppose. We all do. At times, I get stressed up at things which I shouldn't be.

I managed to reschedule my MCR with my tutor before she flies off to Australia. Deadline is 9 May, she will only be back on 7 May, so a bit rush. And of all days, she had to put it on a Friday, meaning I only had 1-2 days to prepare. So stressed lar..Didn't really felt like studying lor.. Just go in only lar, surrender it all to Him. The night before I was feeling sick (again!).

But as I did my MCR on Friday, there's just this throbbing headache which I could not explain. Maybe I'm just too nervous and stressed. 'Good luck's' and 'All the best's' don't seem to be working. Was walking up and down the corridor of Monash. Hillsong MP3 + Pray pray pray.. Just needed some time alone again lar.. Then I went to the wards 30 minutes early for nothing. I look at my tutor, she looked at me. "Stressed wei," I remarked, and we laughed. But I guess when the moment finally came, I was just amazed at how smoothly things went.. it was a more complicated case than asthma previously, but I was getting more bombarded questions correct than the previous one. The best part is, the case was rated 'Medium' complexity (compared to 'Low' for asthma), and I nailed the diagnosis: Congestive Cardiac Failure secondary to ischaemic heart disease! (Note: I checked the patient's case notes the next day) YES! *pumps fist into the air* So happy.. no doubt lar the marks were not as high as I would have loved it to be (ie cukup makan pass), but I'm contented, considering the fact that it was a very strict examiner.. I passed my 1st MCR!

On Friday I got into a little bit of dilemma, basically between doing the popular thing to help some people (which everybody is happy to benefit along, but if discovered, the consequences may be severe) and doing the right thing (unpopular decision which will most likely end up not helping anybody, but my conscience is clear). I chose the latter lar, and yes, I think although we did not get what we wanted, I feel glad about it.

I learnt it the very hard and painful way on Saturday, during church choir, something along the lines of Mary and Martha. On how you can't always get things / circumstances clearly blocked out the way you wanted it. Voices and formation were not even close to perfect. People came late. 2-hour practice ruined your plans when it dragged on from lunch til dinner time. Extra weekday practice sessions came in unexpectedly (I'll admit: I'm a control freak. Medical student, what to do?) But being simple yet focused people, they enjoyed it. They seemed happy in the midst of it all. A simple heart and mind. Something which used to annoy me. Something not very easy for me to do.

I was glad that Sarah (former IMU CF friend, currently in Sydney was sharing, "Sometimes the thing with control is the need to learn to let go, coz you won't know what is going to happen to your patient; whether they are going to die or live." I guess letting go doesn't mean simply throwing things away / giving up on the circumstance. It just means believing that you have done your best, and all things will work out for the good of those who love Him, be it your patient, or other stuff.

Overall, a tiring week. But His grace is sufficient for me.

There is this patient in my ward with muscular dystrophy (forgot already whether it's Becker's or Duchenne's), but he is a young man, in his late 20's / early 30's. he has been confined to bed, and basically what happened was his respiratory muscles are wasted that he finds it hard to breathe. And he was admitted due to a chest infection. It's a terminal familial disorder, 4 of his uncles died of the same disease, and he looks to be headed in the same direction (bad prognosis). His eyesight also seems to be failing. Yet, he still smiles at us during our bedside.

There are times, while interviewing supposedly sick people (some of which might be dying), I just can't help but wonder what keeps them smiling / so willing to cooperate. Acceptance? Something they cling on to? Hope for the better? Or is there something they see in us?

Thank you Lord, for You are a God who answers prayers.

Monash Clinical School pix

A quick one before I run off..

CF on Saturday was good.. learnt a lot despite not worship leading for long time already..

Yesterday and today was supposed to be my group's off day. I was supposed to study and relax.. Then our coordinator phoned me today at noon; "Gary, Prof finish meeting early.. can you guys go for his clinic at 2pm?" Had to rush home to change from T-shirt to formal attire, then rushed through lunch, running up and down.. when we arrived at the clinic, the nurse inside remarked, "Your doctor coming today meh? How come I duno wan?" *swt* So we waited (only 2 people - me and a friend, the rest of the group refused to be contactable), and when he came (at 2.30pm), and went through the patient cases on his table, "Eh, these are not my cases lar.. Umm.. I don't have any patients for you. You guys can go."
*swt*

A friend of mine got a pretty big consultant as his examiner for MCR. And she is literally really BIG (in size) :p, Oh, apparently she is nice to medical students, but when it comes to housemen, she scolds them, "What is this?? Even a MONKEY can do a better job!" So the moral of the story: don't you wish you don't graduate? lolz

Friends in High Places

Although change songs already, this is for Anna and Bruce (CF worship team this Saturday), who were wondering how this song sounded like.

A tale of 2 pictures

I learnt it the hard way that if you neither know what the problem is with someone, nor how to solve it, then it is probably best to leave it alone.

But I also learnt that as long as the person is willing, a simple random act of kindness in helping a stranger in need (no matter how petty / insignificant the request may seem) can make a difference in the long run.