dR_Skybl@z€r.n3t: Random bits of humour

Said and done: Compilation of lame quotes that I can think of

Bee hoon: rotfl...multiple personality disorder. i'm guilty of that too:)
Me: guilty of what? being a bee hoon today and a kuey tiau tomorrow?
Ian Song: Have you heard my last song?
Jason: Eh, Rachel..the bible conference speaker is Pastor David Chen right? How come in Ruth's email it was written as David Chua ar?
Me: Must be the Rachel Chua factor..
Pastor David Chen: I am not guilty of anything, apart from being good-looking :p
Pastor Wilson Lim: I don't actually watch 'Desperate Housewives'. I personally believe that housewives should not be desperate.
Michael: Honestly in terms of lameness from a scale of 1 to 10, I'll give you negative 10..
*getting to know a new student during orientation*
New student: My name is Angelina..
Me: Oh, Angelina..without the 'Jolie' ar..
Rachel Chua: *speechless for a moment, then almost burst out laughing* Wah lau eh..Oi, Jason..aiyo shepherd, please look after your sheep properly lar..since when has he attain this level of lameness??
Me: So Angelina, what course are you doing ar?
Angelina: Don't want to tell you, afterwards you laugh at me again!
Me: Angelina was asking me, "Who are all this people ar? They are so nice..Jason, Jeffrey and Rachel..
Jason: Wah, I didn't know that people actually think I'm nice leh. Tonight confirm cannot sleep already..
Dimithri: Ehem..If only she had known the truth..
George Yee: What is sex with a minor? Is it something cool?
Me: Why (is your favourite colour) yellow?
Eve: Orang dulu rumah kuning punya ma... so extra patriotic a bit... make my favourite colour yellow
Me: Pisang pun warna kuning wor..Eve suka makan pisang ya?
Sarah: That's not me by the way, i'm far far prettier than that..
Rachel Teo: I will not sue you because you are my friend!
*when Chung Wei was scooping ice cream*
Me: Chung Wei, you very handsome today lar..
*when it comes to Joab's turn*
Joab: Chung Wei, you very handsome everyday..
Rachel Teo: wharpf! woof! woof! (barking sound)
Keith: Dog ar?
Shaun: *coughing*
Me: Are you alright?
Shaun: Do I look alright to you? Why do you ask?
Me: 'Cause if you are not alright then you are 'all wrong' ar?
Shaun: I'm not alright, I'm 'all left'..
Sue Ann and Joab: We need judges for the best dressed person on Superheroes Night leh.. Where to find ar?
Antonius: Oh, I know.. you can get it from the Old Testament..
*Everyone kasi belasah sama dia lolz*
Me: Ever wondered why although they have Hungry Jack's (ie Australian version of Burger King) here but they don't have 'Thirsty Jill's'?
Me: If you don't know the answer to a question, and the person asking is of Asian descent, just tell him / her "Watashiwa pu che tau"..
Yoko: Hi, I'm Yoko.. I come from Japan. My favourite place which I have been to is..
Me: Yokohama?
Me: I'm going to open a Coldmail account today.
Serene: Nei ho farn lar (you are very irritating)
Me: Why farn? Why not meen (noodles), mai fun (beehoon) or hor fun?
Me: Why is it that when you take away food, you use the word 'Ta Pau'? How come no such thing as 'Siau Pau'?
Wes: My jokes need crutches.. (ie they are lame)
Yuka: Let's pray for the chairperson of today's service.. can Wes come in front and stand here?
Wes: Why would a chairperson need to stand?
Su Wen: Sisca, where's Anna? Have you seen her?
Me: Oh, she's with the king.
Me: Anna, what's your favourite snake?
Anna: I don't like snakes! Who in the world told you I have a favourite snake?
Me: Oh, I thought your favourite snake was the anaconda.
Joke meant for CG's Japanese themed dinner
Question: What does the flower say to the bee?
Answer: Whatzup bee? (=wasabi)
Joab: JASON!!!! What have you been teaching your sheep ar??!! Deteriorate to that extent already..
Me: Cissy, how come your name is not AA, BB, DD or EE ar?
Me: Hmm.. which one is nicer ar? Sesame oil or sesa'you' oil?
Cissy: What sesa'you'oil wor?
Me: sesa'you' lar.. not referring to you lar Cissy Yu..
Cheryl: I have never gone snowboarding before.. but i would like to try one day since people say it's fun..
Me: How can you board snow? It's not like they have a platform or can take off or land like a plane or something..
Me: Eh, very cold lar.. Should have brought my jacket..
Robby: Where's your jacket?
Me: Went up the hill already..
Everyone: ????
Me: ...... to fetch a pail of water...
Dhany: Here guys, I brought some chips..
Me: You should have brought some 'dales' as well..
Xylia: In Kampung BM / Iban, 'saya' (I), is 'kame'..
Me: Kame hame ha..!
Rachel Chua: Need to ta pau food for Mr 'Hay Siu'(Master Hay) leh...
Me: Jeffrey ar? No need lar.. he eat hay enough already..
Geok Lin: Hey, can email me the stuff you typed just now ar?
Me: What's your email?
Geok Lin: Yeo_ (underscore)..
Me: .. hiapseng@hotmail.com?
Rachel Chua: Eh, Ian leaving for CG already ar to meet Pastor Ian?
Jason: Funny lar got 2 Ians.. Ian, have fun with Ian! :-)
Ian Song: Haha.. yea sure, but there is only one song..
Me: So Lionel, are you sitting for any exams today?
Lionel: Ya, marketing.
Me: Oh, so how many fresh fish and ripe tomatoes did you manage to buy?
Joab: Who wants smarties (those little round chocolates that look like M&M's)?
Me: Does it make you smarter?
Sophie: I am trying to look for Sam Tee lar, but he's busy at the moment. You have to wait for a while.
Me: Never mind. If Sam Tee is not around why not go and look for Sam Coffee?
During church setup..
Christian: Wah, speaker ini berat leh..
Me: Berat apa? Berat Pitt? :p
Serene: We need some more containers leh to 'tapau' food. Did you bring any?
Me: Nope, go and get from Brentwood Secondary College lar. There's the big container where you guys store all the church stuff..
Rachel Chua: Wah, this 'gula Melaka' very sweet leh..
Me: What gula Melaka wor? I thought we are now in Melbourne?
Question: How does the cantonese prawn laugh?
Answer: Ha ha ha
Question: How does the Hokkien prawn laugh?
Answer: Hei hei hei
Chew: There was a man who jumped down from a 10th floor building and landed into a bucket of Coke. How come he didn't die?
*Everybody scratches head*: Why ar?
Chew: Because Coke is a soft drink.
Ian Song: Hi, my name is Ian.. Song. I'm more than a song. My parents passed me this song. You can treat me as your love song. My favourite character in the bible is King Solomon because he wrote Song of Songs.
Ian: Superman and Ultraman are both flying parallel to one another. Who has the potential to fly faster?
Somebody: Ultraman?
Ian: Wrong, it's Superman.
Everybody: Why?
Ian: Ultraman normally flies with both hands, but Superman flying with one hand can switch gear.
Everybody: @#$%#%
Question: King Kong's favourite restaurant?
Answer: Rok Kong (A Chinese Chicken Rice Stall in Glen Waverley)
Question: Where is King Kong from?
Answer: Hong Kong
Question: King Kong's favourite vegetable?
Answer: Kangkung
Question: King Kong's favourite computer game?
Answer: Donkey Kong
Question: What does a dog say when it sits on sand paper?
Answer: Rough! Rough!
Ivy: Ok, we now pass the time to Gary for icebreakers.
Gary: Wait ar, I go and get some ice first..
Jason: Mary, how come so long already your chicken maryland which you ordered has not yet come?
Me: Oh, because the chicken is now in Mary Land. Right, Mary?
Mary: No, my land only got lambs.
Me: Ever wondered why there are ligaments but no such thing as liga'women's?
Ben: Let me tell you 2 lame jokes.
Me: Yea?
Ben: Lame joke, lame joke.
Ben: I went shopping at 1 Utama because I ran out of clothes.
Me: How in the world did you actually run to the extent that your clothes got left behind?
Chris: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Chris: Tennis.
Me: Tennis who?
Chris: Ten is five plus five.
Anna: Why in the world is Alex saying that Min Chiee is unstable?
Me: Because she has a high centre of gravity?
Aiman: What has 4 wheels and flies?
What?
Aiman: A garbage truck.
Su Wen: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
What?
Su Wen: A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
To all the lun bawangs in Sarawak, do you have a twin called lun garlic?
Somebody from CF: Aiya, yesterday Manchester Utd lost to Roma..
Me: Never mind, you go and tell Alex Ferguson that in the 2nd leg, you will be found.
There is a guy in CF called Eric Sim.. Ok, you got Eric Sim, you got Christopher Sim, what's next? Osim?
Question: Why is the butter poor?
Answer: Because it is not kaya
Chien Aun: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Chien Aun: Lame.
Me: Lame who?
Chien Aun: Lame joke.
Me: How in the world are you going to enter the girls' toilet?
Faheem: Easy. I'll just dress like you.
Christina: Li-Mae says hi.
Me: Tell her I said "Bye".
Christina: She wants Tambun biscuits.
Me: Tambun don't have lar.. baboon maybe got lar.. What are you doing?
Christina: Syndicate.
Me: Which one? Petaling Street?
Question: How do you load 500 Pikachu into a train?
Answer: You pokemon (poke 'em on)
Brian: Why do we have to go to bed?
Me: Because the bed does not come to us!
Later, when told another friend
Simon: (asking everybody)Then tell me why do we have to eat food?
Me: Coz the food won't eat us?
Joseph: *sweat* Then u might as well say why do we have to pee in da toilet? Coz da toilet won't pee on us?
Question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Answer: Because 7 8 (ate) 9
Question: Why is it not difficult for fortune tellers to look for clothes of suitable sizes?
Answer: Because they are all mediums
Question: What happens when you eat Blackberry?
Answer: You get Bluetooth.
Question: Can you name a place where a fish is likely to be most 'powerless'?
Answer: Ikano Power Centre
Wei Wen: Ever noticed that the Petronas Twin Towers look like 2 erect 'jagung' (corn)? With a toothpick in da middle..
Me: You know what message they are trying to send out? 'Balik kampung tanam jagung.'
Wei Wen: If you were a medieval noble, I will call you Gary the Happy.
A friend: Gary, you got license ar? (to drive)
Me: Got.. TV license.
Li Wen: Yo! Apa khabar?
Me: Suratkhabar.
Wei Wen: You know, when we were kids, a few of us used to make fun of our tuition teacher by asking him, "Sir, do you go to Confucius school?" He said "No, why?" "Coz you always confuse us lar, Sir."

dR_Skybl@z€r.n3t

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Random bits of humour

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Said and done: Compilation of lame quotes that I can think of

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