Losing myself

Just came back from rural placement (down with cold, cough, runny nose and sore throat at the moment). And with plenty of things to do there, I enjoyed the time of my life there.. I really did.. i don't mind the fact that there is no reception for my mobile phone in the middle of nowhere. However, a few incidents that happened really made me ponder on whether I am losing sense of what is going on around me, the ability to express myself emotionally and to be sensitive for other people's needs and feelings.

Incident 1
Life is short. On the cold and wet night before the field trip to the snow, I received a message from my friend back home in Malaysia (somehow there was mobile phone reception at that very moment). A friend of mine had passed away (I found out later that it was due to a freak accident). I knew him since Form 1 in secondary school. Although he is Chinese-speaking most of the time and tends to mix around with his own former primary school mates, I do remember the times when he used to be our class joker. The last time I saw him was somewhere around last year when he and a few of us went out for tea at a popular hangout back in my hometown. Most people would usually break down emotionally when such news hit us right smack in the face. For some reason, I find myself not being able to express myself (ie lost for words, I didn't know how to react at that time, I couldn't cry or bring myself to grief). I just don't know why. I didn't want to tell others because I didn't want to become a wet blanket and ruin the fun trip and stuff which everyone was looking forward to. Hence, I just let it passed, hoping that it is just a bad dream and I can sleep it through to clear my head. But being unable to do so, I went for a walk in the rain to clear my head. The next day, we had fun at the snow, but I just felt like letting a friend of mine know about my situation and the fact that I did not feel so good, with a bit of remorse deep down inside. According to him, there are cases where people just don't feel sad immediately after a loved one's passing, but the reality that the person is gone only hits you maybe sometime later.. It's just something that cannot be explained in detail (he shared with me about his grandfather's passing, and how as a little boy he couldn't be bothered about it until later). I really don't know what to think, here I am stuck in Australia, unable to be there to see him for the last time. I was on the phone with another ex-classmate of mine in Sydney. He cried all night long when he first heard about it, feeling disturbed that our dear friend may not have left in peace.

Incident 2
I realised that I tend to be a rather technical and perfectionist type of person (ie constantly scribbling down notes and always trying to follow things exactly by the book).. and patients tend to dislike me for that.. We were supposed to gather information for our project about living in rural areas by interviewing a few local town residents, and there was a friend of mine who came and had a chat with the resident. I could see that although she was not taking notes (in fact later she did not seem to bother remembering what the resident told her), she and the resident sort of "clicked" and I could see that the guy really enjoyed talking to her. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling envious. It's just that I don't like the feeling of not being able to interrelate with patients, as if I have no feelings or concerns for them.

Incident 3
There was a trip on day 4 to the headquarters for an organisation providing support services for people with asbestos-related diseases. The speaker delivered a powerful and emotional presentation on the hardships and discrimination surrounding the people with mesothelioma and asbestosis. It is a killer disease that results in a slow and painful death. No one deserves to die from it but yet not many developing countries have widespread awareness on safety when dealing with asbestos. In South Africa, mothers bring along their young kids to asbestos mines to earn a living. It's heart wrenching to accept the fact that these people are willing to put their health of lives of their children in danger just to survive for another day due to poverty. To big companies, these workers are nothing. Life is cheap in Africa. The presentation struck me at some point because once in a while I do consider working for similarly related organisations in the future (probably after my PhD if I manage to get 1). It would be a bitter pill to swallow to think that I am actually going to be part of an organisation and indirectly inflict such misfortune upon these people.

When my medical interviewer asked me why do I want to become a doctor, at some point of my long answer, I told him about my experience working at the hospital, when I used to enjoy chatting casually with patients and when they used to tell me about themselves and their life stories.. How is back then different from today? Now I have a pen and a paper to jot down what the patient says. What is being asked is taken note of seriously for assignments and exams. Maybe a bit too seriously.. A friend of mine once asked me, "Wah lau eh.. you guys have a script / list of things to say to angry / grieving patients wan ar? Just memorise only lor right? Aihz.. The medical profession today seems to have lost the human touch."

Has it? Or is it just me drifting away, losing my sense of sympathy and compassion.. I am starting to hate myself.. Every single passing day seems so fragile, with endless possibilities of what is going to happen to you and me..

*I shall upload my rural placement photos later..