Pathetic..fallen from grace..

i lack direction, as i've been told..i'm lost...said me, when asked by Ivy during CG 'Wat's ur biggest trial u think u r goin thru right now?" (btw, CG topic was Growing Under Pressure)

I shared wif Jason bout how dis week i reached a point where i totally lost self-control of myself (yes, i know Arsenal lost, but dat wasn't it) ..my study group is becoming redundant n non-productive, thanx 2 da group of %*#$@ ppl who were in it..so 2 da point dat i had 2 make xtra effort n time 2 join another study group..(which was better) surprisingly da people in da former were da first few ppl i got 2 know during orientation week, which i used 2 had fun wif initially, which i thought 2 b potential good frens 4 many years 2 come..how i haf been proven wrong..

1. SARCASM was da theme if da day, statements or points which i tried 2 put forward were corrected (i dun mind ppl pointing out my mistakes or offering constructive criticism) aka SHOT DOWN in sarcastic fashion (its true dat da tongue is sharper than da sword)..
2. LACK OF INTEREST, COMMITMENT N RESPECT. when i'm discussing sumthin dat i dun understand wif another group member, it would b good 2 listen even if u already know da facts, rather than chatting in mandarin bout playing badminton n various stuff which i would love not 2 gif a damn bout..arriving 30 minits late juz 2 go 4 lunch without prior notice is unacceptable by my standard..if u r gonna juz sit there n flip thru ur notes saying "Oh, i think dis is not important n no need 2 know / can go back n read urself, no need 2 discuss.." wats da purpose of a study group?
3. i thank God dat although i hate medical sociology, i'm finally enlightened bout its importance in future practice..its a pity dat sum ppl still haven't seen da light n totally dismissed it as absolute rubbish right in ur face..

these r da ppl who r goin 2 b future doctors? heck, i dun even wana think bout them as Monash graduates.. (sory 4 sounding judgmental here) problem is, their academic results r much better than mine.. mayb its coz of my procrastination..mayb i haf less time 2 study coz i go 4 taekwondo..mayb i mingle too much wif my hallmates..
so i took my own initiative n gathered resources: past year's exam papers, PCL compilations etc. all in da same of self-improvement..2 better myself over them..2 get even..
which is y i was upset when a year 2 student in my study group leaked out 2 them bout da source they can find those exam papers n notes from..

i'm tired..i'm sick of wat has transpired in da past 3 months..4 some reason i haf lost dat sense of connectedness wif them as da weeks progresses..

so much hatred n discontempt..Jason replied dat i shouldn't turn my studies into an idolatry..(i dun think i haf reached dat point yet) 1 Corinthians 6, 8, 10 - when u do things, there shd b 4 principles - whether its glorifying God, whether it will cause others 2 stumble, [4got dy da other 2] he said dat it seemed like i was trying 2 justify actions which r not right.. do not impose ur xpectations on wat u want other ppl 2 b, but let God b da judge..nobody tells u how 2 live ur life..he's right..true, forgiveness n eating humble pie needs 2 b learnt.. but wait a minit, is da situation as bad as it seems? or izit juz me being abit too sensitive..(aka can't tolerate da fun-poking..) i duno..

i remember da course coordinator said, "We want i guys 2 learn 2 work as a team." (Melbourne has tonens of prizes n awards n dean's lists, but Monash has none..or mayb later..) "So I asked u dis question, after all ur hard work studying, stressing, trampling every1 dat stands in ur way n ending up at da top of da pile, so wat then? Who is goin 2 b standing there wif u? What do u get?"

I juz dun get it..i used 2 b tolerant..i used 2 look on da bright side of things..wat has changed? As i look in2 da mirror, i realised dat i dun recognise da reflection on it..dis is no longer my cheerful, helpful, friendly self, who tries 2 do God's work..instead i c a selfish, wretched, sick, pathetic figure, stressed, tired, vengeful wif so much anger which hasn't been let go..4 da first time, i feel so wicked..wondering wat haf i become..

many things haf happened dis week..i'm sick n tired of it..i need a break..i need 2 clear my head.. i need 2 let go..juz let me be..