"Honestly you don't look like a future doctor to me lor.." a friend of mine commented during lunch just now..not really the kind of words I would want to hear after collecting my mock OSCE (refer to an earlier post on Mock OSCE) results.. i passed by the way..(yea so happy :p, although not without some screw-ups..)
but come to think of it, he's right in a few ways:
1. what kind of doctor would use indecent language such as %*$#%..censored..%*$#%? (it's now a rare sight in me, but still sometimes it happens) what kind of doctor would say ridiculous, out of this world things which are uncharacteristic for somebody studying medicine (i don't feel the need to specify what i mean by this) sure..many med students do it..Malaysian med students do it, locals here do it..so what...it doesn't mean I have to follow..
2. the tantrums are still there when things don't go my way..
but I am still learning (Monash motto: Ancora Imparo), with His help..
for the first time, kena humbled unexpectedly by a layperson who may well represent one of my potential future patients..what a remarkably stark difference to what people have said to me in the past..
"....I am sure you would go on become a good and successful doctor."
said by:
My A-Levels deputy program director
My A-Levels biology teacher
The GP of my site visit
My PBL tutor
The head of the emergency department of the hospital where I volunteered
and a few more whom I am sure of but can't quite recall..
guess you really can't be complacent and take things for granted these days..
but wait a minute..whose expectations am i to follow? do i even have the right to daydream of the thoughts in green? good doctors usually did not expect too much of what people have to say about them..they just go about doing their job dedicatedly, with empathy, sympathy, no complaints about the patients, working hours, pay, stress etc. these are the criteria which i feel fit the description of a good doctor (they are also the features i mentioned during interview when asked)..a senior once told me; "the best brains don't make the best doctors". A gold medallist from an Indian med school was fired because she sutured the patient's outer skin into his own laceration..all the knowledge stuck in the brain but not put into practice..still wana go for the dean's list?
speaking of pride and tantrums..
i remembered when I was in Taylor's..i got an offer from Manchester..i was ecstatic..what more can i ask for? top 5 University in the UK, behind Oxbridge and the London University Colleges.. research intensive..state of the art facilities..multicultural campus plus the UK experience..the university's rep and my college's Deputy Program Director (DPD) congratulated me for the offer..for a moment i was on top of the world..imagine going from being on Cloud 9 to the world crashing down on you..
i was told by parents that i cannot go to Manchester..why? no money...(there are a couple of personal stuff which this stems from which i shall not elaborate on this to avoid further probing and unnecessary provocation) from that moment, totally devastated.. in the midst of this, i remembered doing possibly one of the stupidest things i have ever done in my life; telling God, "Why in the world are you doing this to me? I am one of the top 5A students.. I DESERVE (x10) my hard-earned place to go to the UK!!" (maybe that's why although expectations were running high from everyone, i got humbled in the A2 final exams, got a B for my Maths..) i should be happy.. i should be thankful.. i secured my entry into IMU..my results met the standard for entry into medicine anywhere in the world (except Melbourne uni)..but for some reason I was not..lost my appetite, turned my bedroom upside down into a tsunami disaster zone.. i was so disappointed of having let my teachers down..that night totally cannot sleep; wondering how in the world did those DOTA freaks get the better of me (for some reason now I'm a DOTA freak myself).. voices were ringing in my head included compliments from my friend's parents such as, "Gary don't bluff lar..You teacher said that you are very hardworking, attentive, she is very confident of you scoring straight A's.." Pride leads to downfall..lesson I learnt on humility.. bitter pill to swallow..
IMU was seen by me as a second chance to pursue my ambitions..i was given a warning that my only options were the cheaper unis of New Zealand (Auckland, Otago) and Australia (Adelaide, UWA, Newcastle, Tasmania)..but being the don't-give-a-damn type, i started saving money (the pathetic way; RM2 per day, keep new and crisp notes of RM5 and RM10)..since I was harbouring the sad, tiny hope of entering Melbourne or UK and having some cash handy then for additonal expenses.. (sorry ler, i should have been born Singaporean lar..so kiasu)
I remembered at 3.30pm on 2nd December 2005..Monash Malaysia called..my first response was, "Why the dilemma again??".. Honestly that phone call "Congratulations Gary, you have received an offer" was totally unexpected since i was hoping that they would have rejected me already after i reluctantly went for the interview (so that i can stay)..My prayers of desperation were initially answered when my parents miraculously decide to give IMU a chance (i can forget India)..Why uproot me now from a place which I am happy to have settled in? Signing the letter at the education fair accepting my offer was one of the hardest things for me to do..for the second time in 6 months I was wallowing in self-pity..
Today it struck my mind, that maybe I was so foolish all along..Finally I saw the reason why i probably ended up in Australia..Why do I need the UK / to stay at IMU when:
1. I am going to get stuck with the immigration rules there, postgrad cannot complete, RM1 million wasted by having to come back and work..(maybe He saw this coming, and saved me the trouble)
2. I may not like a curriculum which is 90% do-your-own-research PBL from the start.
3. I can take the USMLE and go to the US, or maybe do my MRCP later..Australian degree, UK specialisation, work in the US..sounds great..
4. I pay Malaysian fees and get the same medical degree of an Australian university ranked in the top 50 of the world (way above almost all of IMU's PMS) - plus additional bonus: best of both world's teaching (1 year Clayton, 1 year Sunway and opportunities for cross-cultural intercampus exchange)..
5. I get to do dissection for the last time before it gets abolished next year
6. I am learning how to cook here (something other than Maggi mee)
7. Monash is willing to listen (we get our chance to have a say in how the program is run at Monash Malaysia)
8. I am getting to know more people (more connections)
9. I am privileged to be part of a different culture
10. I went to and will be going places which I have never thought of being able to go (Philip Island - saw penguins, Melbourne city centre in conjunction with Commonwealth games festival, Planetshakers, Easter camp at Great Ocean Road, Gold Coast, Cairns, ski trip - snow!!! etc) ..good thing to visit these places now, otherwise no time for these already in clinical years..
11. Beautiful campus, large and space aplenty..
12. Refer to Sunday Star Education on 9 April 2006 :p
13. Last and most importantly, serving a wonderful CG and church down here..
I am not saying that I have totally gotten rid of my short temper or proud attitude..Honestly, I do not deserve all this, but I believe that there are more things to come. I really don't know what to say..Thank you Lord.. (no offence to the IMU folks..i still really miss IMU's orientation style and less-packed timetable)
I've had various dreams in the past; family, exams, overseas experience (used to be UK, but now i'm happy with Australia) and other things 'yang sewaktu dengannya' :p. Is it wrong to have dreams and aspirations? I don't think so. In one way, I felt that it has given my life more meaning, something which drives me when things aren't looking too good, something which causes me to strive hard for what I really really really want (although i must admit i procrastinate and can be considered quite lazy at times :p). Do dreams change people? I think they do, both for better or for worse.. But the most important thing i feel we need to ask is; who or what is at the centre of our dreams? Are we doing things by our own strength or by His? Right now I can't really see the future..I can go on wondering, "What kind of doctor will I become?", but I leave that to You.
Oh, and sorry for being such a perfectionist..this post has been edited no less than 10 times :p
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