Funny Articles, Episode 1

NST
Amir Muhammad on Thursday
Going bananas over fritters

A raging debate. Is it ‘pisang goreng’ or ‘goreng pisang’?THE eminent historian Jonathan Swift, who lived thousands of moons ago, once wrote of a conflict between two groups of people: Those who believed eggs should be broken at the broad end, and those who strongly felt they should be broken at the narrow end.

He estimated that 11,000 people had been killed for refusing to be small-end egg-breakers. Even the century he lived in, the 18th, was referred to as the Egg of Enlightenment. In Malaysia, a similar war is on the verge of being waged. This time the produce isn’t eggs but bananas. A huge conflict is brewing between those who feel fried bananas should be called goreng pisang and the other side, who prefer pisang goreng.

For decades the people of this peninsula have referred to the yummy things as goreng pisang. This strictly speaking should denote an action rather than an object, but it somehow stuck. Goreng pisang became an indispensable part of the social and cultural life, as seen in weddings and parties.

Then in the last quarter of the last century, the anti-goreng pisang movement was started by firebrand elements who had been educated overseas. Filled with the righteous fervour of youth, they demanded that this popular snack be referred to only as pisang goreng from now on, and that any other terminology would be unacceptable. The public would not even be allowed to choose the term they prefer. "That would be giving in to the forces of pluralism and liberalism," says a bearded spokesman. "Goreng pisang is a term from The Dark Ages," he continues. "Every time someone says it, our dead ancestors would be insulted. They didn’t know enough about grammar then, the poor things.""This is quite worrying," says Suspuria Chen of the human-rights NGO called Hakmu."For centuries people have lived in tolerance and mutual respect no matter how they fried their bananas and named them. Now there is a growing push to narrow the boundaries of civil society."

The bearded spokesman dismissed her criticism by saying: "She should not be commenting. She doesn’t even eat bananas."This debate is strictly for banana eaters. Non-banana eaters are cautioned to stay away from all banana-related discussion as it could lead to trouble."The sellers of fried bananas are the ones most affected by this potential clash of terminology."I live in fear," says a Kampung Cendana seller who refused to be named for fear of recrimination."I put up a sign advertising goreng pisang only to find it torn down the next day. The pisang goreng movement is very persistent in this area."

This movement will not just focus on bananas but plans to branch out. "Our next target is Perdana Menteri," he says, causing us to gasp in shock. "Why is it not Menteri Perdana? Surely that is more correct, since perdana is an adjective. Perdana Menteri makes no sense."

When asked if this means that the pisang goreng movement has political aims, he says: "Bananas and politics must always go together."The idea of separating them is a Western one designed to weaken the foundations of our plantation industry."Just for fun, this worthy organ asked the bearded spokesman to weigh in on the small-end versus large-end controversy about eggs that existed centuries ago."All egg eaters are damned no matter what they do," he says cheerfully.

A rare sight caught on film

A MOTION-TRIGGERED camera yesterday captured the image of a Very Important Person paying his traffic fines. This is believed to be the first time that such a rare sight has been captured on film.

The VIP spent less than 20 minutes in the office and three distinct photographs of him were captured by the high-tech camera, which is designed to go off only when it detects the sound of expensive shoes. In two of those shots, the VIP’s face and name-tag were clearly visible.

The incident occurred at 9.15am at the Jalan Dugong Road Transport office. "Even the location is perfect," says media commentator G. Pundeet. "A VIP who actually pays his fines is rarer than a dugong.""But the fact that this needs to be commented on," continues the seasoned commentator over a naan meal, "is itself problematic.

We obviously now expect all our VIPs to dodge fines. Why have we become so cynical?"Not everyone is so analytical. "We are just thrilled," says the spokesman for a conservation body. "For years, international commentators have thought that this species was extinct in Malaysia. But we have proven that at least one survives. Maybe more can be coaxed to come out of the concrete jungle."

The body will lobby for a postage stamp to be printed with the image of this endangered species: "After all, children have never seen one before and we don’t know how many are still alive."